This is...

Life: Looking Back 2011

2012-01-04T19:19:00.002+11:00

Upon reflection, 2011 has been the same, it's almost although I am living the same year in and out expecting a different result.

Work - I haven't achieved as much as I thought I would at this year, projects have changed, new legislation and authority. Attempt to establish a new role within my existing position is ongoing...

Writing - I've abandoned my blog. I wish to write again, and only writing will achieve that.

Relationships - I revisited old mistakes and ended that elicit affair with the geologist... Met a man I thought I could have a relationship with, it wasn't reciprocal.

Home - My ambitions of owning my own home seems like the most unlikely thing to possibly occur ever.

Health - I thought a couple years ago that I was the largest I've ever been, no, now I am. I feel unattractive (which may actually contribute to my relationship status above), I can't wear the majority of my clothing comfortably. Exercise seems too much effort and I find more comfort in eating comfort food, I guess that's why they call it comfort food and drowning myself with wine. Not conducive to improvement.

Essence of Me - My generosity and consideration has been taken advantage of. I look around at the behaviour of some of the people in my life and I realise I compromise more than any others, I see my friends and people that claim they are 'my best friend' appear to do more for other friends and not me... I feel like I'm always giving and I don't receive the same or even any smidgen of reciprocal behaviour, don't get me wrong I don't do things to receive, it would just be nice every and a while. I feel that my friends rely on me for organising events, I do it but occasionally I want to be invited somewhere.

Travel - In a little over a year I have achieved frequent flyer gold status. I do not regard travel for work as glamorous, how misinformed I was years ago when I dreamed of 'jet setting'. I've been to outback QLD, spent way to much time in Brisbane. My holiday this year was Singapore, which I loved and Langkowi.

Friendships - I have terminated 2 toxic relationships. Some people have gone, some for good reasons i.e. moving overseas and others for reasons unbecoming, incomprehensible and just plain ridicules. I've had the pleasure of working with some fabulous people and absolutely blessed to have these people in my life.

This year I will change something, not sure what yet...

Life: Japan

2010-07-30T14:19:00.002+10:00

Japan, it was a phenomenal experience.

Let me digress… It was Wednesday 30 June; I had deadline to achieve at work, as at 11am one director had executed the documents therefore we were on track, my anxiety slightly alleviated, distractions were achieving their utmost goal – an email arrived in my inbox ‘travel sale’… How I was longing for a holiday, I had started planning months ago to take a trip to China and Japan early June, planned the dates, looked up flights, accommodation, relevant if required vaccinations, all I needed was the ok from my manager. No, my colleague was going to the World Cup at the time I wished to be away. Disgruntled and somewhat brat like I threw out all the glossy magazines and brochures, so when I saw return flights to Osaka for $681 I thought to myself ‘I can do it!’ I looked at my calendar filled with deadlines and commitments and saw an opportunity, an opportunity soon between the theatre and a friends movie premier, I sent a quick email to my mother telling her my intentions, she said I was crazy, it’s less than 3 weeks away. I felt crazy. I looked at flight dates, it worked, 10 days in Japan between commitments. I conferred with my manager, initially he asked if he had a choice, I said I hadn’t hit ‘confirm’ yet, ‘do it’.

I booked a holiday to Japan, I had never traveled alone before, I can not speak the language, I do not have any accommodation in mind, I do not have a single book on Japan. I have never acted this spontaneous ever before, totally out of character. I was excited, I hadn’t felt exhilarated in the longest time… I liked it. As in all aspects of life I organised, researched and enquired over the next week and booked everything I needed, the bare minimum. The plan was to fly in and out of Osaka, spend a few nights in Kyoto, a few in Tokyo and back to Osaka… Accommodation and transportation arranged, no it was time to sit back in business class style and wait for the journey Japan will take me on…

It was a sensational, a total mind and body detox… No coffee, no liquor (other than my first night in Kyoto where I had to have sake), no men, healthy food, no make up, no heels, no TV, lots of walking in the sun, no shopping, visiting temples and shrines, onsen spas, no talking to people superfluously – at first I couldn’t with the language, then enjoyed it.

My intention was never to remove myself entirely from any social conventions during this holiday, however, the self imposed disassociation has thus far the best thing I have pursued in life. During this time alone with plenty of time to think clearly about all segments of my life I developed many resolutions, devised methods for re-invention of my well-being, created ideas for self promotions, desires emerged for embracing some relationships, decisions to let others slowly dissipate into abyss. Typically for me, my fantasies may have blended ever so slightly with reality; I have come to the conclusion my blurred sense reality will be an ongoing issue, one to thieve on and have fun with.

- To new adventures
- To new resolves
- To re-invention

Story: The Arrangements

2010-03-29T20:53:00.005+11:00

They finally got their act together and decided to throw a party at their not so new home, it was supposed to be a house warming but considering they have been in residence since May 2009 it was more like looking for a mutually convenient date, an event to be celebrated, Easter Saturday when most people were free...

Now came the game of invitees, a few different groups of friends to which over the years they both established do not always get along amicably therefore the recipient list needed a fair bit of attention!

What she decided upon was inviting only the people that she had seen THIS YEAR, people that were fun, the people that have been a 'friend'. Not the few girls that judged other for their life choices - so this is it. The moment of self rationalisation that involving people in life that do not enhance happiness were not to be included. The resolve was set, the party feels like it could be a start of something new - now so she doesn't drink too much, make a fool of herself and remember the event.

Story: The 'Other' Woman Left the Party...

2010-03-15T19:39:00.003+11:00

The invitation to his house warming party has been sitting in my email inbox for over a week, do I accept or decline - I don't have any other plans, options or commitments. This is the new place that he and his girlfriend have moved into... If I go do I bring a date with me, a hot man that all the other woman will drool over, do I do it alone, do I drive and not drink or try to car pool and play up a little. I have already made the comment that I've only been to that area of town once before, he laughed at me saying he thought I wouldn't travel that far - is that a hint, did he only invite me as to not offend. So many questions, most of all do I go?

It was one of the best couples at the office's 30th birthday; naturally we were invited including him... And his girlfriend, I don't understand how he can consider bringing his girlfriend to a function were the woman he is having an affair with sips champagne so casually engaging in conversation with his girlfriend, is he really that confident that nothing will be said. So me, the 'other' woman left the party, funnily enough as I was leaving at 930pm my work mates wife was convinced I must have a 'hot date' or 'someone waiting for me back at home'. I said good bye to my work mate and he was shocked 'YOU can't be leaving!' Yes, I know I am usually one of the last men standing but not when she is there...

The general manager, my boss's boss invited the team over to his new waterfront property for a house warming being the ONLY single person invited I asked my flatmate ever so politely to be my plus one and he kindly agreed. Most of the team were there, many of the wives were asking me about my 'kids', shock horror! The house is amazing, views over the northern beaches, so peaceful, so far away. There was endless supply of wine and beer, the aroma of paella cooking on the outside webber was intoxicating and I couldn't wait to taste the first sensation, the paella was filled with shellfish, most people would know by now that I do not peal prawns (huge effort for reward issue). Without hesitation, he pealed a prawn and handed it to me. His girlfriend giggled uncomfortably and rolled her eyes.

A few weeks ago it was another work colleagues birthday celebration, we stared at the opera bar for a drink. We went to the matinee of Tex Perkins doing Johnny Cash, he sat next to me between his girlfriend and his occasional lover. The show was amazing, I stifled a snuffle when June Carter insinuated Johnny Cash had lovers as he shuffled in his chair. Later the group went to the orient followed by the Australian and the birthday boy had booked karaoke for the night. I was suggesting songs Blondie, somehow how I ended up being the first person out of 30+ to sing, and I belt it out 'Cover me with kisses, baby. Cover me with love. Roll me in designer sheets I'll never get enough!'. Later that night, he sent me a text 'the way you look the way you smell I'm yours'. He left with his girlfriend.

Review: Foveaux

2010-02-02T21:57:00.002+11:00

I am first to arrive for the evening, I descend to the intimate cocktail bar amid the sandstone and rich fabrics, I smile Nina Simone is playing, slipping into the comfortable leather chairs I feel at home. The ever so handsome barman delivers the cocktail list to me, couldn’t fight myself from flicking my hair back as I say ‘thank you’. Perusing the menu by candlelight I am amused by the witty commentary and description of each of the cocktails ‘Ssshhh the actors and actresses of the silver screen’ ‘The House always wins’ I am torn between Charlie Chaplin and Little Red Riding Hood, who am I kidding, the roaring twenties and the word ‘tramp’ included in the title, I must devour it! My two other friends arrive within minutes of each other, delighted at my recommendation of venue with Sinatra singing, sipping on their flavoursome cocktails and comment that the next birthday celebration should be hosted here.

Our cocktails glasses were empty, we make our way up stairs to the restaurant with the rustic exposed brickwork, crisp white table cloths, and smiling waitresses. We are seated in the high backed chairs, linen napkins gently placed on our laps and we are taken through the options for the night… We chose the 6 course degustation with complementing wines.

To start we are delighted with an amuse bouche, unfortunately for me yellow tomato and cucumber jelly with a splash of olive oil, tomato and cucumber, my least favourite foods (after pork); my friends are more than happy. A further hors d’oeuve selected drunken oysters with caviar, delicious, full of flavour, with roe bursting in my mouth at the perfect moment. We wash is down with Champaign from the Bordeaux region.

Two courses before the dedicated degustation menu! We are then presented with the trout with smoked trout ice cream, we exchange quizzical looks and tentatively scoop a small tidbit, it’s interesting, complex and surprisingly lovely. Following on was the scallops and venison heart, I’m generally not a fan of offal, if you’re open to trying offal this is the place to come, surprisingly supple and full of delight. The waves of flavours in our next course of barramundi and zucchini flowers was overwhelming and leaving us wanting more and more we had, veal fillet with roasted peppers and onion with an olive paste tantalizing our taste buds, the wines, the wines were bold, fruity, dry from all regions of Australia.

We basked in the break for our final course, the dessert but wait, another amuse bouche to cleanse the palate, mango infused with kefir leaves a familiar flavour usually associated with Thai cuisine topped with coconut sorbet, so refreshing. At that point we pass on the cheese plate before dessert. My much anticipated tobacco roasted pears with pecan gelato, raspberries, candied celery and chocolate wafers is placed in front of me with a Botrytis Semillon that was drank in almost one gulp. The celery pushed aside and the pears savored in every bite, wafers crunched and once again the grand textures and exquisite combinations of flavour were abundantly obvious. It was suggested to have one more drink at the divine bar downstairs but the tobacco roasted flavours satisfied my desire of retiring to the den with a cigar and port.

Life: Happy Anniversary

2010-01-25T22:22:00.003+11:00

An anniversary... Usually reserved for the most happy of occasions - for me, maybe it is. Yesterday was my 5th anniversary of being a single woman. Independence, freedom and without the emotional roller coaster of many relationships past.

Trials, tribulations, lust, tears... All the same.

Life: Today...

2010-01-15T14:10:00.001+11:00

Woke up with a bounce in my step for the first time in weeks (maybe months), tottering around in designer clad outfits, again for the first time in months, feeling on top of the world after childish giggles… Then his name appeared at the bottom on my screen and email from RR – I hadn’t heard from him since a couple days after my birthday with a somewhat nonchalant ‘well I tried happy birthday’. Over the last couple of months I had told myself that ‘I am over it’ but seeing his name, it felt like my heart skipped a beat… Now do I reply or let it go?

Life: Happy New Year!

2010-01-13T20:42:00.005+11:00

I am surprised my last post is over a month ago...? So many stories to tell, I thought I had recorded them.

Let's see since 29th November what has occurred

I was coerced to go on my bosses boat in beautiful Sydney Harbour to drink wine, have a sausage sizzle and eat some prawns (somebody peel them for me please?) and talk absolute balderdash!

Saw SKUNKHOUR for the first time - they were awesome!!

Went out on a pseudo date with my flatmates mate, so not interested, nor attracted and somehow I ended up kissing him. Came to my senses and sent him home after a movie at my place.

I blew the turbo of my car, D's workshop were my saviour - unfortunately to this day the car is still not working to full potential even after many hours hovering around my car in the heat. Actually enjoyed a couple of beers afterwards.

Saw Royal Crown Revue, love the music! Some reason I think I would've had more fun if it were just the girls (my flatmates mate and his friend followed us there, don;t know if it's because his interested in me or that no one else would've been left at his birthday celebration) .

Christmas party galore, I actually declined some!?!?! I know, I am in shock too!

Christmas eve came along and my plans were altered somehow I ended up at my flatmate mates aunt and uncles house for dinner, did I fall into a relationship, am I dating someone...?

New Years Eve - came ever so quickly, had the crew over to my place for a BBQ, GREAT night, food and dancing to 4am. The boy presumed he could 'stay at my place' - never should assume it's ok. Not even a snuggle and pretty much kicked him out the next day.

New Years Resolutions: BROKEN - lets see, I drank excessively, I smoked, I lied and I 'cheated' (use that phrase loosely given that I never had the 'exclusive' conversation), regardless kissing another man at my NYE party when the guy I am dating.

Sydney Festival is maybe my favourite time of year (good food month is a tight toss up!) we were listening to a Japanese funk band, dancing on the street at Chifley Plaza, watching 100 saxophonists lining the mint, admiring acrobats flying through the air, singing along to Al Green’s greatest hits, drinking and chatting the night away.

Saw Big Bad Voodoo Daddy on Sunday night - AWESOME! Same set as the last time I saw them, but really I could watch them regularly and still enjoy it. That for the last couple of nights I've been thinking about the double bass player (or is it string bass?) fantasising how he could play me... Hmmm

Last night saw Avatar, don't get the fuss - maybe it's the fantasy / sci-fi spin. Maybe it's because the big bad corporate dude said a few comments that I, myself have said. 'can't we just pick them up and move them' and what was that mineral they were trying to get 'unobatianium' come on, unobtainable. Rocket scientist there.

Liffe: I Won A Stubby Holder at KARAOKE!

2009-11-28T14:28:00.002+11:00

I won the most prestigious accolade...

The night was to be a quite one, my plan was to enjoy ONE happy hour drink at the pub down stairs from work. During the ONE drink at the pub my girlfriend said she was planning a quite night in watching a dvd and cooking dinner *bright light* I invited her over to my place for dinner and a movie - why both be home alone when you can have company.

After our ONE drink we jumped on the bus to my place, now it was my intention to cook a nice meal but I was talked out of it (easily). Thai food it is...We needed to get cash so walked into my local pub for the second time and saw that they were setting up karaoke, we giggled and said after dinner we may consider coming back. We purchased a couple bottles of wine and went back to my place, sat in the courtyard enjoying the balmy evening. The first bottle always goes down so easily.

Sticking to our plan I put on a dvd, My Father The Hero - what a feel good little ditty, after such a movie, almost 2 bottles of wine and funky music we freshened and HIT THE PUB! Now this is a place that I've only been in once before for a reason, old dudes lined up along the bar beers in hand, woman in their early 40's with cellulite down their arms and the local drunk boys, which I later found out to be the local cricket team. I picked my song based purely on seeing the B52's in concert the preceding Thursday. We had to wait some time until our song was up. GLITTER ON THE MATTRESS... GLITTER ON THE HIGHHHWAAAY... GLITTER OF THE FRONT PORCH... GLITTER ON THE HALLWAAAAAYYYYY!!!!

Since we were on a high from the duet (and the man that I ended up exchanging more than just witty banter) we NEEDED to hit a dance floor, not initially what I had in mind at all we went to Minsky's to sing along with the piano man close to midnight.

Jumped into a cab, kissed the boy that will now be known as the guy I met a karaoke that never called. As we were waiting for the security check at the piano bar a woman was run over - my first aid training was almost put to use, went over to assist and the drunk scary man that was closer was taking control and doing the WRONG methods, I tried to say something... Ambulance called, nothing I could do but continue my awesome night.

Glass of water in hand and prime seats around the piano, we sang along, laughed at the clientele, all in a good night. A lady approached me and asked if my name was Mary - I was taken aback for a moment, my friends name is Mary..? "I saw you at the Bridgeview!" she exclaimed, further "You sang loveshack! You were fantastic!" CRAZY STUFF!

I chilled and listened to the piano man, was talking to the lady and her husband to the right and one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen to my left, we were singing along and playing around 'You walked into the party, like you were walking onto a yachtYou're so vain. You probably think this song is about you. You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you Don't you? Don't you?' all in good fun... He introduced me to his father, we were all talking, singing and dancing a little. Mary wanted to leave, I didn't want to leave this man - I mentioned ever so coyly that my friend was leaving, he told me I should go to as ever much as he would like me to stay he has his girlfriend at home! So after a bit of a sing along to 'You've lost that love and feeling' I glanced at my watch and it was 2.05am, decided to call it a night myself. Said my goodbye to the most gorgeous man in North Sydney and his father, his father told me to stay 'nothing good ever happens after 2am' with that said I turned away and walked out, home within minutes later. A great impromptu night

TIN ROOF RUS-STED!

Article: The Primitive Animal Instinct

2009-11-22T20:24:00.001+11:00

I do find it rather humorous when a friend finds it necessary to send me articles titles 'He's Just Not That Into You'... If *he* was in fact interested in me, there would actually a *he* in my life - it's pointing out the obvious. With rant over, the article puts in writing much more eloquently than me the behaviour I've be accustomed to recognise.

Closer to you

The first principle is that of proximity. For animal males, proximity is all about who they let into their space. This means staking out their territory by wandering around and pissing on trees and fighting with any other male they come into contact with. For human males, that usually happens on Saturday nights after the footy. When it comes to girls, however, it’s pretty straightforward: if we like you, we’ll try to spend as much time as possible near you. The law of proximity means we’ll make the effort to be close to you (and not just when we want something). That “things-are-really-hectic-at-work-so-maybe-I’ll-see-you-in-a-week” guy who only communicates via SMS? Not into you.

Attention feminine disorder

The second principle is attention. If a male woodpecker sees a woodpecker hottie he likes, he taps out woodpecker songs he knows she digs, fetches her little woodpecker presents and generally tries to figure out what it’s gonna take to make some sweet woodpecker love to her. In short, he pays attention. The same holds true for us Homo sapiens.

So if it’s your birthday and he nonchalantly gives you a book by an author you’re crazy about, he’s been paying attention. And if he pays attention to what you’re saying and what you do, chances are he probably wants you hold your hand, test most of the Kama Sutra out on you, and then make you tea and toast in the morning. But it’s a bitch that men have one-track minds. We’ve got a lot of things to keep our mental processors busy – like keeping track of what’s happening in the premier league, memorising all the cards so we can rule at Trivial Pursuit and figuring out whether one can, in good conscience, substitute lemons for limes in a mojito. So the fact that we know that you like ‘70s rock and hate mango juice means we’re tuned into who you are. And we don’t do that for just anybody,

Mating rituals

The third principle is courtship. While for some male mammals, this means performing weird and complicated dance moves and then jumping on a female’s back and biting her on the scruff of the neck, things in the human kingdom are slightly different. Still, we no longer live in an age where spreading cloaks over puddles in front of you or challenging those who insult your honour to duels is how we show we care. But I’d like to think we do make small courtship gestures. We notice if you’re cold and whether your drink needs topping up, and rescue you if you’re being hassled at the bar by sweaty marketing managers trying to get you to touch their iPhones. We tolerate you having to play your new favourite song again and again. And we actually clean up a bit if we know you’re going to come by. We send you goofy links on Facebook if we know you’re having a hard time and need cheering up. OK, so maybe it’s not quite like writing a Shakespearean sonnet, but we do try.

Life: A Birthday Note

2009-11-20T14:27:00.002+11:00

Some of my friends are just so wonderful!!! I had lunch with one of my girlfriends today, we spoke at great length about the year ahead being 31. The revelations, the relationships and expectations. After lunch she sent me the following email - it brought a tear to my eye... I'm so happy that she is in my life:

I think your 31st birthday should only mark one thing; your brilliance, your strength, and an acknowledgment of all the things you have experienced in life so far.

You should be very proud of yourself and know your self worth as you are an extraordinary human being.

I know your not into God but maybe the universe has given you extra hurdles to make you stronger than those around you. Maybe you are actually meant to be doing something more significant while you are on this earth than those around you.

Disappointment from those around you just creates a clearway to re-evaluate yourself, your soul’s development, and your own evolution into something even better. It is a time to move forward and that is a wonderful thing.

Life: To Invite or Not Invite... That was the Question

2009-11-16T19:54:00.004+11:00

My birthday is coming up, Wednesday in fact - it's by no means a monumental celebration, 31, I feel nonchalance about the event. But this is Me, there's always an excuse to celebrate.

Initially my invitation was sent out via crackbook only and this was when I was feeling rather down and out and thought organising an event where I was he centre of attention would fill a void, how temporary that maybe. The impeding week saw an uncomfortable email from the man I was seeing ending whatever relationship one could describe the brief liaison and well he was on my recipient list - after weeks he still hasn't responded. Say 'maybe' at least - don't ignore it.

Last week I decided to finally get around to emailing my invitation to those wonderful friends of mine that don't use facebook at all or don't access religiously, I sat at my computer at work starring at the half dozen or so emails from RR and pondered sending him an invite, we are after all 'friends'. I had to get a second opinion... So grateful I did, here are the scenarios I would need to prepare for:

(a) him arriving with another woman,
(b) him agreeing to come and not turning up,
(c) him turning up and going home with someone else,
(d) him turning up and not going home with anyone – including you… or even
(e) him turning up, bringing you a gift, going home with you, and then breaking your heart yet again…

No invitation sent.

Life: Rant #7876542

2009-11-14T12:28:00.001+11:00

My flat mate has started to see a new girl, her computer broke and he left her at our place today! Who is this person!?!?! Not on!

Life: Feeling of Insignificance

2009-11-10T15:44:00.003+11:00

During lunch today I found out that the awards dinner that is being held in Melbourne tonight will be hosting not just the nominees for employee of the year and team of the year, which includes the declared ‘up and comers’ by the group general manager from the greater team – they left approximately an hour ago. The people left are the EA, PA, project coordinator, twofacedbackstabingbitch, the data manager, the new guy and me.

Life: Filtering a Friend - TAKE 2

2009-11-08T22:00:00.004+11:00

It's almost a year since I wrote this post:

This is going to be hard, I have come to the conclusion that one of the girls in my life has a negative impact on me.

She is someone that I have a lot in common with, we both enjoy musical theatre, horse racing, same venues for casual and formal drinks, she's beautiful, witty and intelligent, it's shame that our other commonality is the man we dated.

I feel that every time I'm around her I'm reminded that I was inadequate for D, he wanted to be with her.

On Saturday night I went to a friend of a friends birthday cocktail party, The Doctor who use to pine for me, send random text messages brought a date to the party - my friend, this friend. To set the record straight, I have no romantic interest in this man and the last couple occasions I've been out where he has been I've left with another man. With this I'm more than happy for him to see my friends, but why this girl?

I'm fragile enough as it is when it comes to my self esteem, I can not expose myself to this slap in the face any longer... I will have to slowly filter out any and then all social contact with her for my own well being.

I guess filtering out a friend that you have so much in common with is a little easier said than done... 11 months later we still go out together, and I feel just about the same, granted the inadequacies relating to D have dissipated a little, however, 2 men that we've met together in the last 6 months have fancied her, when they learn she's not interested in them romantically, they move onto me.

It was The American I liked and worked at, hey where did that get me? Nowhere other than the recipient of an uncomfortable email a couple months later. Now it's my flatmates friend Colonel Mustard, we were all out last night (at The Doctors birthday celebration) and toward the end of the night he pulled me close on the dance floor going in for the kiss. Instead of feeling flattered I felt flat and danced away from him.

I'm through with feeling second best, if I remove her and the the spotlight always on her maybe I'll finally be out of the shadow...

Life: Advice

2009-11-03T12:12:00.002+11:00

I was chatting to My Lord last night and he told me that he thinks I need 2 lovers, 1 for intellectual stimulation and the other that looks good (he was saying sculptures pecks!).

Life: Guilt

2009-11-02T13:01:00.003+11:00

I ‘avoided’ contacting him when I dropped my car off today, thought it’s best I don’t see him, distance is good given our last encounter and the dealing with his estranged wife.

His best friend told me that his father passed away Thursday night / Friday morning. I sent a text, the words couldn’t come out unfortunately it sounded like just a generic ‘condolences’ message. I thought of calling later – no idea what to say, there’s no words to make it better.

L. called later that day and I know it’s wrong, I didn’t mention D’s father – I know she had interaction with the family. She couldn't have this as well! I need to remove myself from the insecurities that are evoked whenever I think about the past.

* whatever "this" is... Emotional turmoil I don't wish to share.

Life: An Awesome Week

2009-10-30T11:55:00.004+11:00

I love weeks where lunches are with friends everyday, seeing people you love each night and watching a friend from work playing dress up in my dresses to wear a something special to a cocktail party... Finally watching that ever so popular movie Twilight and exchanging quizzical looks - Vampires cannot go out in the sun!

A sensational dinner at Bilsons, Sydney's number one restaurant of 2009 a 5 course degustation with matching wine with fabulous people from work...

Dinner and interesting conversation with a great friend, the hours at the little Indian joint just flew by, he intentionally walks on the 'outside' of the street - a gentleman,

Flooded with texts & emails from the gorgeous R, emails during work hours, texts at whatever hours of the morning, then there was that one that came through 'I think we got off on the wrong foot'... What does all this mean?

Watching How To Act Around Cops an entertaining play and I actually enjoying it, laughing inappropriately when one character gets killed - I was the only one that laughed!

Serendipitously bumping into friends at the piano bar after the play, one drink turned into many...

Drinking 2 wines at an impromptu lunch at work today and feeling tipsy - giggling at colleagues comments, inappropriately, again.

- it’s not the weekend!

Life: 'You Should Be More Yourself'

2009-10-29T18:34:00.002+11:00

Funny when your flat mate makes the remark that I should have been 'more myself' with The American I was dating...

Well, I lent him a DVD when we were dating and I wanted it back - I refuse to be out of pocket (or alike) at the end of a relationship, so I asked for it - The American asked for my address to post it to me. Taking on my recent advice from the roomie:

Me: My work address is below, so much for ‘friends’.

Him: I hope we can be friends. I’m happy to drop the DVD off sometime. Actually, I coming up the north side Sunday afternoon, if you’re around?

* he didn't come around - he posted it to me at work weeks later

Life: I think he likes you - he wants to kiss you - he wants to date you!

2009-10-15T14:30:00.002+11:00

That's what my dear friend said to me today when I told her about this message:

I feel like I didn’t get to spend much time with you today. Perhaps we could have lunch alone next time (or do dinner/movie)? Maybe I’m just being selfish and wanted to hog you all to myself

Life: A Story...

2009-10-15T09:48:00.001+11:00

I was sitting out in the courtyard just outside from where I’m doing my course, my work colleague and I were talking about parents and odd relationships we have. Well, her girlfriend received a phone call from her father in tears saying his wife (her mother) has left him for the man that lives 3 buses down in the caravan park and they moved to another caravan park together.

Life: Saving a Picture

2009-10-07T20:07:00.003+11:00

"Ctrl S" who would've thought 2 keys would be so melancholy. I was tagged in a photo in Facebook and with many of the pictures I save them to my computer just in case they go missing - this one was of me and S, now to be known as The American. I wasn't saving a picture of 'us', come on I'm a little more balanced than that (I think), it's that I saved the photo into the file 'miscellaneous'. Sad that a few months with a person can now be considered in my mind and on my computer as not belonging anywhere.

Life: I Love My Friends Part ....

2009-10-06T19:51:00.002+11:00

Sometimes I can not express myself the way I want to so I succumb to silence or let the words of others promote the emotions instilled within:

Oh sweetheart! I know how you feel – we all go through that – and ending something is always hard. Take your time in mourning and don’t feel bad about it. Take as long as you want.

Your past is your past. It does not in any way determine your future – your past relationships were experiences – not failures and do not determine that is it for you! That is just nonsense!

Maybe its too early for you now – but you need to think this; “I didn’t have that because there is something SO much better out there for me!”. I know you are a science freak but I really believe in powers of universe, life, & spiritual growth. There is always always something better and never ever give up that thought. You will not be alone forever! Maybe its just that you are actually not ready – maybe there is a lesson you are not learning about yourself or maybe you are not focusing on what you really want – or maybe you need to be more like the person you want to attract???

My point is that the way you are feeling has nothing to do with this particular guy or any of your past relationships – its about YOU! This is about you.

So true... I should remind myself of her words constantly

Life: Five Stages of Grief

2009-10-05T09:46:00.003+11:00

Ever thought a the end of a relationship, or many, yes that's it all the terminated relationships that feeling, that's compounded to the last failure is worthy of mourning, it's grief? I thought about the 5 stages of Kubler Ross and identified that I'm now going through the process. I won't say for this failed 'relationship' in particular, I feel that the end of this one just adds to all the others. Let me digress:

Denial - he seriously sent me an email saying he just wants to be friends. No, that doesn't make sense it was only the week before that he cooked the most romantic dinners for me, he said he only has eyes for me.

Anger - Fuck him!If he doesn't have the decency to at least talk to me about the relationship then I don't need him in my life. I'll show you, I'll get out there and prove that I'm desirable to other men!

Bargaining - Could the end be a result of my reaction to that one night, maybe if I was a little more discrete with my feelings, the hurt maybe he would not have felt that we were so different, so much so that he thought he would be better as friends.

Depression - Another failed relationship, I'll never find a man that wants to be with me, who wants me... I will be alone for the rest of my life. (have a little cry)

Acceptance - I never felt fireworks with him. I find his quirks not just quirky, a little odd. We were never sexually compatible therefore the relationship would've ended imminently, more than likely me finding another suitor. It's for the best. I don't need a man in my life to be happy.

Even though the above is predominantly about the last man the emotional roller coaster is the same over and over. Maybe I'm still in the 'bargaining' stage when it comes to RR and maybe after all these years it's 'depression' when it comes to D.

Overall, I believe in the feelings that I have at the moment are the result of yet another man not wanting me; not necessarily *this* man.

Life: What's on Your Mind?

2009-09-29T23:16:00.004+10:00

After the wicked incident I hadn't heard from him until today, a bit of back and forth about 'last week' and idle chat about the weekend... I had enough needed to say:

I thought it obvious that I was upset about the other night, you are actually the only person that didn’t contact me the next day to see if I was ok… I don’t know if you thought giving me space would be beneficial, to me that’s just being insensitive. So, I guess that brings me to the question. Do you want me to be your friend or your girlfriend? Right now I feel like neither, I’m not being critical it’s just how I feel right now.

Through a few emails about needing to chat, late this afternoon I received an email from him:

OK, I would much rather have spoken to you about this in person, but now that you have brought it up, we may as well discuss via email. I have enjoyed our time together, but I don’t think that things are working out for us. I’ve been feeling there are differences between us and then questioning whether we suit each other as a couple. As well, I haven’t had the enthusiasm for us that I should, or you deserve. I think we’re good as friends, but can’t see us moving on from there. How did you think things were going?

What can I say, I knew it. My friends heard it when I spoke to them... He was a man I wanted to want but something was just not right.

Another failed relationship.

Life: Two Words

2009-08-26T09:00:00.001+10:00

'Take Care.' My interpretation of this statement is a polite fuck off, to this end I have not responded to this text that popped into my inbox on Saturday afternoon... To my dismay my interpretation is correct, as of this morning I have not heard from him. My standard with men these days (due to the constant disappointing experiences) is that they have the life of a dairy product when it comes to contact before being metaphorically thrown down the drain.

I mentioned last week I felt *something* wasn't right, I guess it was that he just wasn't that into me, his words 'I only have eyes for you' were just words.

Life: The Weekend

2009-08-23T23:06:00.004+10:00

The weekend started with work throwing after work drinks on Friday night, we had lots of wine, then faux champers, more wine and then a small group of us thought to go into the city and have a couple of drinks at Loft Bar, another bottle of wine between 4, then another bottle which I sat out of, food was on the agenda, iThai one of my favourite Thai restaurants in Sydney. The food was great, another bottle of wine shared, the 2 girls decided they have had enough and planned to go home, one of the guys from work and I said 'lets go to Minskys!' we sang and danced until the early hours. Saturday I met a couple of girlfriends in Paddington to attend the Little Paddington Fashion Festival, later I met friends for dinner at the Rocks before going to my favourite place in Sydney, The Basement to see Professor Groove perform and today I went to The Fifties Fair, photos taken and apparently going to be on ABC news. Spent the evening chilling at home and reflecting on my weekend.

The raw story...

Drank way too much at work, said some inappropriate things to work colleague, hoping no one will remember. Went to Minsky's with one of the guys at work and Navy Boy met me there, while Navy Boy had his arms around me I spotted R across the room, he was there with another girl, I told Navy Boy and my work mate what was going on, Navy Boy said he'll leave if I want, he threw his arms around me, kissed me and sang and danced a bit before leaving, my work mate was telling me that we should leave, he could tell the affect of R and the new girl was having on me. So drunk I said that I'm not going to change my night because of him. I was messaging the guy I've been dating saying he should come to Minsky's apparently he was too tired. My work mate kissed me, I pulled away within a second and said 'just because you think I'm an easy target' he knows my secret not through my telling. We danced more and then I had to leave... I cried going down the stairs, the whole situation reminds me of the night in January when R told me 'just friends'. Waiting for a cab his arm around me for comfort, he said I should go back to his place, I did. I slept there. Just slept there with a comforting arm around me. I struggled on Saturday at the Fashion Festival and it was pretty much a non event... I went home for a cat nap - I woke up to a message from D, yes, D, somehow I found out that he was free and invited him to join me. Why!? I met my friends for dinner at the rocks which was lovely, we went to the Basement and Professor Groove was AWESOME I was dancing and drinking cocktails, D messaged me and he came to drive me home. I NEVER expected to wake up next to him ever again. I also didn't expect to receive a message from him today saying how great it was to see me. Today was the fifties fair, the polka dot dress I wanted to wear I couldn't zip up... I was on the lookout while I was there, The American I am 'dating' told me this week that he was going to be there with his friends, no 'well see each other there' no 'maybe we should go together' no 'since I'll be there you and your friend can join us' he also said he was going to Victoria Rooms for cocktails afterward, I've said that's where I had my 30th and how much I love it there... Nothing, not even a text from him to see if I made it there. Since I've been home I've tried to keep myself busy, too busy to eat to. I'm fat and a disgrace.

Life: The One That Has My Attention

2009-08-17T21:35:00.006+10:00

We met on the June long weekend at the Blues and Jazz Festival. He's interesting, engaging and cute. He cooks, enjoys food and wine, he listens to jazz, he swing dances, he likes the arts, apparently he likes me... But there's just one thing:

Story: Keep Saying to Myself 'Support'

2009-08-14T15:34:00.003+10:00

Ever had that friend that you think she is so intelligent and yet some of her choices are just beyond comprehension, these choices often are the men she dates. A few weeks ago when she mentioned she was not allowed to contact her lover alarm bells went off in my head, 'he has the kids' is the response. I can't help it let loose my opinion on the matter, a man should be there for you hen you need him to be... But I see her happy when she talks about him and yet receive emails saying how lonely she is and misses him. Okay, so I say to myself support her in choices but last night when she told me a flippant remark he made 'I don't date fat chicks' and I am fully aware of how fragile she is and the reaction a comment like that would be, how is it possible that this man who allegedly loves her could possibly make a comment such as this?

For Fun: A Shuffle Meme

2009-08-10T19:19:00.001+10:00

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 10 friends.
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY?' YOU SAY:
Days of Old

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Riding With The King

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Mad Medicine

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I'm Your Baby Tonight

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
You Left the Water Running

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Rock On!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Love Man

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Trumpet Blues and Cantabile

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Radetzky March

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Opus One

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Confirm Reservation

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
How Will I Know

Not tagging as my little blog world has come down to very few... How perfect was Rock On and Whitney's How Will I Know!!!

Life: When the planets align...

2009-06-24T15:13:00.002+10:00

You'd never believe the email that arrived 1 minute after my flat mates:

I was arranging to get a couple of the lads over who I play in the band with for a night of acoustic practice. Nothing too noisy but it will involve me taking over the Lounge room for most of the night, will Monday night be a problem, is there a better day that wouldn’t impinge too much on you?

Seriously 1 minute - I must copy and paste, such awesome timing:

The bell Shakespeare company has a new play opening this month staring Marcus Graham. Interested? There are preview tickets available for Monday at 6:30pm at the Sydney Opera House for $35 (normal price is $60). Know it is late notice but do you feel like checking it out? I have seen Graham in another Shakespeare years ago and he is terrific (as well as good eye candy!).

So inevitably to say, I'll be watching Shakespeare's Pericles on Monday night!

Life: Times Have Fadded

2009-06-22T20:45:00.001+10:00

Now that the couple of weeks have passed and I'm now able to talk about something that occurred - well, I started seeing someone and let's put it this way, one of my friends said I was 'bruised and battered' not all *that* bad, he claimed he was a 'biter' in bed but I felt uncomfortable at the time but clouded by alcohol - it really wasn't until a few days later when the black and blue stood out that the whole experience affected me, now that the bruise has gone away along with him in my life, the entire thing behind me I'm now in a much better place.

Life: A Montage of One Drink Stand

2009-06-01T23:26:00.002+10:00

I’ve been content about my relationship status, over 4.5 years of sporadic dating, hook ups and flirtatious banter.

It’s enough now.

I’m over this montage of one-drink stands.

I think I’m ready and open to meet someone.

Life: Texts

2009-06-01T21:11:00.006+10:00

I met a boy who will now be regarded as the psycho text messager from Minsky's... Seriously after this experience of textural exploits I truly believe therapy is required.

The night was fantastic. I took my mum to see Chicago the musical

Am i correct to assume the fact u haven't replied to my previous msg means ur not happy with me? Either that or u've fallen asleep :). Just to let u know, i would have pleasured u tonite like there was no tomorrow. I'm not just saying that either. I was so smitten with u that i would have been at ur mercy, satisfying ur deepest desires. Do u need any more convincing?

Hey, i'm assuming u've fallen asleep, and that consequently, tonite is not gonna happen. Its ironic that u didn't want me to think u were dull, yet here u r breaking plans for a fun nite by going to sleep. Thats wats annoyed me, and caused me to be a little abrupt and to the point - the fact that we had plans, but u casually broke them and didn't seem to care thats its screwed up my nite. The overwhelming impression i got was that u weren't fussed about how this fling turned out, a view which has now been adopted by me. I am therefore, with disappointment and regret, calling an end to any potential there was with 'us'. I truely did have a great time last sat nite, but tonite just wasn't good form. I am deleting ur number from my phone and request that u do the same. All the best for the future. Adam

Of course I'm overly bamboozled by the entire situation and an ultimatum such as this can only force me to retract further. Naturally behaviour such as this can not be dismissed - I called him up on it with a line somewhere along the lines of 'what intrigue for a liaison of only hours'.

No response.

I didn't even bother saving his number in my phone, must have known of the imminent psychotic behaviour!

Life: I Love My Friends Part ...

2009-03-27T13:49:00.001+11:00

From E.:

If you need me for ANYTHING I am here for you – if you want to scream, vent, hit something, eat ice-cream, chocolate & pizza or go for long walks (great for clearing ones mind) or dance your butt off or drink till you spew or go around graffiti-ing toilet doors with his number or even place an ad in personal “gay” section of the newspaper, key his car (whatever!!!) – I am more than happy to be there for you and join you in whatever venture it takes for you to smile and laugh again!!

Life: The Navy Thing

2009-03-15T21:23:00.003+11:00

Saturday night caught up with a friend for dinner at the rocks, thought going for a dance would be a good idea, so what's near by, the Orient where we were surrounded by seaman, was like a kid in a candy store ;-) ended up seeing Sweet Navy Boy in his uniform for the first time, so cute! He was my midnight kiss, why try and snag a sailor when all the other girls are trying when there's one I've been seeing for the last 2 years that messages and calls me when ever he's in town!? There was NO going back to base on *that* night.

Funnily enough word around the campfire (work) is that I like men in uniform - It was uncomfortable to have my boss comment on my lust for the navy, on this occasion I eluded to meeting the one I've been seeing which I've never done within the workplace before.

Life: Odd Phone Call no. 2

2009-03-08T11:50:00.001+11:00

Following the 'what colour dress to wear to M's Wedding' he called me today to inquire if I had a good time - Buddy, you got married yesterday, don't call you former lover to ask this question!

Life: Odd Phone Call

2009-03-04T13:48:00.002+11:00

I think it strange that M called and told me a 'secret', what colour dresses the bridesmaids are wearing so I don't wear the same, same being fuchsia...? What did he think I was going to wear my signature 'black', I'm aware black and white are faux pas, wouldn't do that.

Article: On the News today

2009-02-25T18:05:00.004+11:00

As per usual when checking my hotmail account I go through ninemsn to view some of the headlines, today the survey caught my eye:

How ridiculous to even consider capping corporate pay 56,048 people (to date) think the PM should do so, well I think 56,048 people out there are either jealous of the high rollers income and lifestyle! Pathetic, it's effort for reward if an executive can make decisions that will earn a company billions in revenue isn't it only fit that they receive suitable remuneration. From this survey I suggest the 12,717 people (I am one of) that clicked 'NO' work work hard, rewarded well, do not want to know there is a ceiling on their earning capacity, see their MD / CEO etc work hard and deserve the money they obviously earn.

As you may note I C&P'ed the section Jobs @ SEEK, maybe that's what they should be doing - looking for a new job.

Article: Only Some Days..

2009-02-19T13:48:00.002+11:00

I don't believe in horoscopes at all, but on days like this when I'm feeling low, deflated and lacking direction I hit the Scorpio link on the Sydney Morning Herald website.

The pendulum swings completely in the other direction from yesterday and today you may have to contend with problems, issues and feelings being hidden from view. It is simply best to stick to basics and routine and tough it out but still keep a positive attitude or things will almost certainly seem worse than they really are.

Advice I should really try to take on board.

Life: Reading Between the Lines...

2009-02-19T09:36:00.003+11:00

I did cook him dinner, I actually felt I needed a glass of wine before he got there... As soon as he walked in he threw his arms around me, so much for my idea of being stand-offish. While I was cooking it was a great opportunity to quiz him about what he's been up to over the last week and of course the weekend when I was totally available. Well he had a friend (girl) stay with him the weekend before she heads off somewhere country style. Now reading between the lines of a future discussion about me catching up with a friend the night before and him telling me about his wedding etc and my comment about the invitation which is on the fridge 'on this day i will marry my friend' and my usual rant stand of 'I don't want to marry a friend! I want to marry my lover! He then asked if I've ever got intimate with a friend, wasn't going to lie I pointed at the invitation on the fridge and said it worked out, we're still friends and I'm going to his wedding - my opinion is that he got intimate with his friend over the weekend and feeling it out friendship wise, didn't feel it appropriate at the time to question.

The belly flip has gone, I think my interest has dissipated, maybe due to the non-contact and my speculation of his other interests.

On a side note, when we were on the lounge talking he asked to go in my room, no, no, no... Stay here. Ending hanging in my room, first thing he said was the the affect of 'your flat mates aren't very welcoming, you know I'd be asking a few questions and make an effort to get to know visitors'.

No plans to see each other again, this time it's not the feelings of contentment like this time last week, now I'm nonchalance about the entire situation.

Life: Valentines Day

2009-02-15T09:54:00.003+11:00

Once again the hallmark day has gone past, this year I had mild expectations, I met a man recently (Australia Day) that I actually find attractive and interesting. As per the usual, it appears this relation will cease at the 3rd date. As V-day was yesterday and I hadn't heard from him since I saw him on Tuesday, I did send a semi-generic Valentines text to which his reply was 'Right back at ya Babe!'.

Another one bits the dust.

Other than my, in retrospect, unreasonable expectations my V day didn't start off the way most of my friends would approve. I woke up next to a man, RR. He was my late night caller which I embraced, finally my feelings for him are subsiding I think after this night I am numb to heart ache caused by interaction with him. I'll go into the message exchange at another time...

During the course of the day I received a myriad of text messages from men that were so generic and received 7 calls. YES 7 CALLS from F-Baby during the day trying to convince my to go to his house, invite him over, go out for drinks, just so not interested.

Hours of siting on the lounge watching DVD's, washing all my bed clothes (build it and they will come) feeling generally relaxed, my focus wasn't on being alone at home for this hallmark event which is only in place for us single girls to put emphasis on our single status... Rubbish.

Late in the evening I received a call from an anonymous person who didn't say anything other than listen and that wasn't enough for me to work out who it was and all that came through the phone was this song:

Must admit, it brought a smile to my face. Still have no idea who rang me.

Life: Random Quote from Mother #10

2009-02-13T13:48:00.001+11:00

Mother asked if I'd head from G-man for valentine's day, when I said no she recommended the following:

"You should see the movie 'He's Just Not That Into You' as it appears he's not into you.

Life: Australia Day Long Weekend in a Nut Shell

2009-01-28T18:52:00.001+11:00

Friday night was supposed to be a couple of drinks here, ended up going out for dinner at the Japanese place downstairs, drinking copious amounts of sake. How hot was Saturday! Was at my old local the sheaf for lunch followed by symphony which was an interesting collection of 'infused rave and hip hop music to complement the orchestra' ahem, they should keep to what they know. Sunday I went to C and B's place for Chinese new years - gourmet review: chicken hearts are rather enjoyable, gizzards are to be missed, the BBQ duck was a hit, Mongolian wine made from horses milk is potent, watching a guy squirm each time his girlfriend was mentioned, priceless. The new year kicked in at 3am - damn time zones! Australia Day I wandered through the rocks and spent the afternoon at Cargo bar drinking and singing along to Aussie rock tunes, I'm still limping, bruised and battered from doing the locomotion, drunk, in a Congo line holding onto some random guys Australian flag that was tied like a cape then dinner in Newtown (there's a whole other story there). No wonder I was in bed by 9.30 last night.

Life: A Few Words From a Taxi Driver

2009-01-18T14:20:00.004+11:00

Friday afternoon our work team took to the harbour for a 'team building' exercise, I say this tongue in cheek as we go out on my bosses boat have a BBQ and everyone gets drunk. As I did... 2 bottles of white wine shared with a girl that was driving, I was rather quiet on the boat on this occasion as my boss usually gives the geologist and I a hard time as we sit chatting to each other most of the day, this time I decided to stay on the deck sprawled across to get a bit of sun without appearing anti-social. After the cruise 3 of us decided to carry on at a near by pub, the geologist, the girl I sit next to and one of the geologists friends joined (there's a story there but that post is in random draft stage as my memory of the night is a little foggy). S and I shared another couple of bottles of white wine. I was caught up talking to a cute boy while the food was there so missed the much needed wedges on offer. Text messages were being sent between RR and I during the evening, a continuation from the night before and our daily email exchanges... He rang me, said he was in a taxi and going to pick me up. At this stage S was drunk trying to pull the phone off me, the geologist was questioning my action and a bouncer approached and said S needed to go home, he was right and I took advantage of the distraction to run out of the pub and jump into the cab waiting for me outside. He looked so good. We went to the piano bar and had a couple glasses of wine, we were talking drunken rubbish all night, we were sitting by the piano and I stared talking to the guy next to me about his tattoo's while RR was talking to a girl that approached him. I felt overwhelmingly jealous. I remember this girl coming up to us (don't know what stage of the night) asking if we were together, he responded no and 'try' was in there somewhere. It felt like a knife had penetrated my chest and my eyes strained to hold in any tears. This random girl pulled me up to dance and said 'that guy your with is hot!' I know... I went back to him, lent on the back of his bar stool and he touched my shoulder with the tiniest of force and said 'friends'. I was silent. I have wanted to know for so long, I want him to want me. He doesn't. The crazy drunk girl pulled me over to dance again, I did for a few minutes before telling RR that I'm going to go, all he said was OK. I went down stairs whiling myself not to cry. I got a taxi faster than I think I ever have and after I told the driver my destination I cried (just as I am now with the little tear drops evident on my dress) I was silently whimpering in the back seat. After the 10 minute taxi ride the driver turned around and asked why I was crying, the poor guy got a blubbering answer to the effect of 'it's a boy' with my drunken scrunched up face, he smile gently and said 'you're too beautiful to cry' I gave him the fare and thanked him, why is it I need a stranger to say this to me? I went up stairs and just put my stuff down anywhere, climbed into bed still dressed and cried, I cried so much that my pillow was wet. I woke with one of the worst headaches ever, too much alcohol and too many tears.

Review: As an Opera?

2009-01-17T10:50:00.001+11:00

I don't have words...

From its phenomenal success in London and New York, Jerry Springer: The Opera is finally coming to Australia. The smash-hit, multi-award-winning concert production will premiere in the Sydney Opera House Concert Hall in April next year.

Based on the self-flagellatory version of Jerry’s own lurid talk show, Jerry Springer: The Opera is a fascinating mix of the highest form of art and the lowest form of pop culture – opera and daytime television.

In turns hilarious and heart-breaking, this raunchy, high-energy, all-singing, all-dancing production follows Jerry Springer to the afterlife and beyond. Reviled by Christian fundamentalists for allegedly containing 8,000 expletives (there are only 149) and hailed by Christian Voice as blasphemous, Jerry Springer presents characters desperate to have their own ‘Jerry Springer’ moment.

Along with an eight piece band, 21 performers play a succession of lowlife characters and audience members who reveal their secrets, cuss each other and fight as their embarrassments come to life on TV.

Jerry Springer as an opera - could worlds collide any harder?

What Do You Think Giraffe Would Taste Like?

2009-01-07T20:18:00.001+11:00

I'm somewhat surprised by the amount of time Giraffe's are mentioned in general conversation with my friends...

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I didn't have any plans for the last weekend, however, I ended up having drinks at my old haunt in Double Bay and bumping into several former school mates - the wonders of a 'local'

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On Saturday at drinks my old BBF was there, she's in Sydney for 2 weeks to spend Christmas with family. We had a good long talk (not about the issues just a good ol' catch up). It's one of the best feelings in the world to have the opportunity to rekindle a friendship that meant so much to me. She's jet setting back to London for at least another year... Like no time has past at all...

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Late November I rekindled another friendship, this dissolution of relationship was a consequence of my relationship with Dom. K. had moved to Paris as soon as she finished Uni, we worked out that we hadn't seen each other in approx 8 years. As soon as we saw each other we squealed and stood talking in the middle of Wynard before realising we should actually go somewhere for our catch up.

We went to Wild Fire for dinner, I haven't been there for about 3 years coincidentally enough, it was Dom's favourite restaurant. We shared the zucchini flowers, both had delicious main courses before sharing the souffle - K had never had a souffle before - this astonishes me, she's French, lived in France and never had a souffle. Sacrilege!

K. has moved back to Sydney and she's engaged. I'm overwhelmingly happy for her and I'm looking forward to met her fiance in the coming week.

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I love this time of year in Sydney, the Sydney festival is on and I'm planning on going to Jazz and symphony in the Domian - hope it doesn't rain this year!

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I received an email from RR 50 hours ago (who's counting) and I haven't replied yet (so I drafted a response late today but haven't sent it, however, he sent me a stupid group joke email and still resisted) .

I will not let myself get all caught up in it again... He's not interested in me and I have to keep reminding myself of this so expectation and the guaranteed disappointment afterwards wont be (yet another) redux.

* I was told I need to come up with nickname for him, I don't create nicknames for men I really like...

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I was reading through some of my old posts and stumbled across this:

- I was almost ready to call it a night, many glasses of faux champers, I think 7 and the best, all bought for me! My phone buzzed, RR, within no time at all he was there, it was late, I was tipsy. I remember kissing him, I remember people leaving, I remember dancing and kissing. I remember smiling, I remember saying good night, I remember him finding a cab for me, I remember that smile from inside taxi window. I remember going to bed wishing he was next to me...

- After RR came to see me at the party on Saturday night (he has been nick named by Adelberto but I don't like the name he's allocated). We didn't have any plans to see each other until Friday. I was looking forward to it for 3 days. So impressed the novelty hasn't been lost.

- I made a mess of RR's kitchen last night. Yep, that's right. I cooked for him. He bought the wine... The wine we had on our first date, he gave a lingered look to see if I noted. He is impressing me.

- Take 2 we didn't make it to the movies after dinner. We ended up singing along with The Piano man and debating who is the better artist Elvis or Elton. After lots of wine we decided to conduct a poll at the lounge bar. Poll: Elvis or Elton???

- I got home today at midday and can't seem to wipe this grin from my face.

This boy made me so happy then.

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Impromptu BBQ's are awesome! Especially when it's all my friends that I feel so comfortable with.

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I want to see a movie, I was rather disappointed with the last movie I saw Frost / Nixon. Maybe this weekend I'll make the effort.

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This weekend I'm going to be seeing approx 7 hours of Shakespeare!!!

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My roomies have gone away for the week and I'm loving having the place to myself, well once I cleaned it to enjoy for myself on Monday when I got home from work - I think they believe if they are on holiday's it immediately implies they are on holidays from all domestic duties.

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Ever have the feeling that some friends go out of the way for other friends than you? Well I do and I longer think it's just a feeling, but fact.

At the BBQ on Sunday we were talking about television programs (our conversations weren't limited to the potential tasty goodness of giraffe!), I mentioned how much I love Entourage and my friend Il's boyfriend mentioned that he gave Deb all of season 5 which he downloaded. I'm surprised I didn't know of this especially since Il's knows how much I love this show (and my crush on Jeremy Piven - ohh salivating at those pictures.... Anyway, I'm the one that lent Deb seasons 1 through 3 on dvd and she never mentioned to me that she had the new ones, never offers to lend it to me or invite me over to watch.

My stuff ain't going out to her anymore!

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Speaking of Il's - now that she has a boyfriend she's disappeared into abyss... Doesn't even return messages anymore. There's more to this story.

- always does things for other friends, never me for example she's a dressmaker (wedding dresses and costumes to be precise) I think I'm the only person out of our circle of friends that she hasn't made something for...
- when I have a dinner or catch up at my place she's always broke so everyone pitches in so she doesn't have to worry about it. Almost 30 girl, learn to budget.
- she invited someone over to her house and i specifically requested this person not be there as out friendship was on the rocks, even said if she wants them there more than me I just wont go. She said ok reluctantly with some excuse that he has a quality that is superior to mine. When I was there, guess what, so was he. Fuck that!

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I'm listening to 9pm (till I come) by ATB at the moment... Oh my does this song remind me of my Oxford Street nightclubbing days with glow sticks!

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I've agreed to put my profile up on a dating site, only because one of my friends has offered to write the profile for me - likes and dislikes, no 'nice guy' and other cliched wants and likes - Nick where are you? This job would be right up your alley too :-) Miss you... read back through old posts and I really valued your insight.

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I'm going to try and write at least twice a week this year, I'm enjoying it again but I think it's because I have the house to myself and able to write freely without the roomies walking back and forth continuously and I'd feel uncomfortable if they knew my blog existed...

Life: Another Workplace Cavorting Exercise

2009-01-07T19:46:00.004+11:00

I wrote just a little about the guy I caught checking out if I were at my desk... Well after, well after... Last year around Christmas time when we were inseparable for any lunches and drinking do's and one of the shortest kisses goodnight we had random emails throughout the year. He's back in Sydney for 3 weeks over Christmas as his family is here and he lives in Melbourne - so technically I'm not cavorting with another work colleagues as we don't work together, just because it's the same company...

Now that I don't really have an expression of interest when it comes to men (one that's reciprocal, or at least thought so at the time) Melbourne Work Guy and I had several lunch's, met for coffee daily and went Christmas gift shopping for our mum's together, met in the kitchen each time either of needed to fill our water bottles, messages back and forth until last week when after drinks I brought him back to my place where we finally released all that pent up desire. It was hot. Hours of sweaty goodness.

Next day a few of my colleagues and I were discussing lunch options, I proposed a pub lunch as it was such a beautiful day, I invited Melbourne Work Guy to join, yes, the Geologist was there too - playing with fire having two men I've slept with, at work, at the same table. Thankfully everyone I invited joined including general manager of my business unit and two heads of departments. Not a bad turn out. Lunch was fine, I introduced him to everyone, there was only W. that knew him at the table (they worked at another company together).

Since New Year he's been rather quiet, not the messages, no coffee, no lunch, no emails... He didn't even take me up on my home cooked diner on Monday night, didn't even hear from him until today when he sent me a group email inviting me for a drink on Thursday night, to which I didn't respond, then a message (internal pop up notice thing) asking if I've been busy, I've been quiet lately. We met for tea in the kitchen, chatted like his act wasn't rude and inappropriate, inquired further about drinks, I have gym and dinner commitments.

Let's see what tomorrow brings...

Life: Nephew's Birthday

2009-01-06T22:49:00.004+11:00

It's my 13 year old nephew's birthday... I had the intention to call all day but given my relationship with my sister and her behaviour on Christmas day I was building up courage to call all day in preparation for her picking up the phone.

After dinner I thought was reasonable, I rang, I was so nervous as the phone rang. I want to avoid all uncomfortable conversations. The answering machine, I left a cheering 'happy birthday' message. I hope my sister passes it on to my nephew - I'd hate for him to think I didn't call.

Life: Jealousy Is a Horrible Trait

2009-01-05T21:07:00.004+11:00

I am sincerely happy for my friend who at this time appears to be going out for a date with the Navy Boy she met on the cruise in November, the same one where I ended up spending the night with Cute Navy Boy. Why is it that he didn't contact me? I feel like I'm always the one that misses out on the follow up, it like I'm forever to be 'old cow' they are with me once and that's it. I don't want to feel this jealousy, I just want a little bit of... Admiration from a man I like to be with. I reach for another piece of cheesecake instead.

Life: New Years Resolutions...

2009-01-04T23:55:00.001+11:00

Once again I picked up old resolutions to edit, I know that fundamentally it will always be the same... It would appear that 2006 and 2008 were really shitty years for me - my farewell for 2006 was 'A grand old fuck you 2006! Welcome 2007...' my sentiment for 2008 is '2008 was shit!'.

+ I will look after me. Body. Mind. Heart.
+ I will loose the 6kg I put on in the last 3 months by taking better care of my diet - Must loose the 10kg I've put on in the last 15 months - HAHAHAHA I find this one so funny, I've actually put on an additional 6kg since 2006
+ I will commit to a work out regime again
+ I will nurture my relationships with family and friends
+ I will become less obnoxious with my own opinions
+ I will leave the past year in the past
+ I will continue to look for a property to purchase - again
+ I will believe (really believe) being alone is not lonely
+ I will not go out with a man I don't feel I have sincere intentions
+ I will not feed my hunger for attention from the opposite sex
+ ~~I will not have another 1 night stand~~ I will not sleep with someone I just met that night
+ I will not let myself become anymore bitter nor cynical - I don't think its possible to be anymore cynical than I already am
+ I will not allow other peoples frivolous opinions influence me
+ I will not do anything I'm not 100% comfortable doing
+ I will take a positive outlook on my life
+ I will take a risk this year
+ I will travel to a place I've been dreaming to go
+ I will take responsibility for my actions
+ I will not blame anyone else for my failings
+ I will wear and use some of the beautiful items I own

Life: Quote of 2008

2009-01-03T09:50:00.001+11:00

Unfortunately I think my quote for 2008 will be the first lyrics I heard of 2008

I will survive

I did survive, it was a struggle at some points, this year will be so much better.

* I don't think I can do better than V's quote from last year 'Remember, you said no one night stands. So, do it twice.'

Life: NYE 2008

2009-01-02T15:54:00.004+11:00

* South Coast get away (Sussex Inlet) with 5 great people
* Bubbly before heading out
* Dinner at the local RSL with live rock band in the auditorium
* Schnitzel and denied cigarette
* The interesting conversation of 'would you prefer to be a cripple beggar or a prostitute in a 3rd world country?'
* Foam and bubble party at the local pub
* Horrified by the prospect of dancing in bubbles
* Scoping the crowd and coming to the conclusion we stand out as city folk
* Being one of the very few dancing
* Drinking champagne from plastic schooner cups
* Great meaningful chat with my friend V
* Seconds approaching to mid night and having to scull champagne at the door before being allowed access
* Drinking champagne straight from the bottle
* 'It's My Life' by Bon Jovi being the first song of the new year!!!
* New mantra for the year is the first song

It's my life And it's now or never I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just want to live while I'm alive 'Cause it's my life

* My first New Year kisses being a couple of beautiful brunettes, one for the 3rd year
* Dancing near the bubbles
* Meeting a great fun couple and making a friendship in only a few hours
* Loosing all inhibitions and dancing with a hot boy who drags me into the bubbles
* Being surrounded by many young RAAF boys with their shirts off, wet and shiny from all the bubbles
* Getting soaked head to toe by foam and bubbles
* Kissing the hot boy and not noticing I'm wet anymore
* Dancing on the stage
* Leaving the pub and walking home which is a reasonable distance
* 2 of our party get lost on the way home
* RAAF boy my friend was making out with serendipitously walks past our place and they make out
* I play Uno for the first time ever and win
* The best shower I've ever had, de-bubbling
* Hot boy I was making out with sends a message and calls me
* Drinking more bubbly in the kitchen playing Uno
* Almost falling asleep and going to bed
* Receiving text messages from RR and not getting too emotional about it
* Sleeping in a bed where occasionally the broken spring hits a good place in my back
* Getting up at a reasonable time not feeling too seedy to enjoy the first day on 2009
* Meeting hot boy for breakfast / lunch
* Spending the afternoon at the beach and feeling the beautiful salt water and sun on my skin
* Getting burnt in a couple of awkward places, not rubbing the 30+ in properly
* Drinking beer at the pub - yes, I drank beer
* Going back to the house and returning to the pub
* The long drive home where I was dreaming of crawling into bed
* Listening to Otis on the ride home
* Crawling into bed and receiving a phone call checking that we arrived safe

Hmmm not as brief as I thought, there's the highlights! I had an awesome night, a night I would never have had if in Sydney!

Happy New year!!!

Life: Looking Back

2008-12-30T20:02:00.003+11:00

I just scrolled through some of my posts from this year to review my 2008 achievement, commiserations and emotional triumphs and failures.

Upon reflection, 2008 has been shit.

Work - I haven't achieved anywhere as much as I thought I would at this stage, maybe it's due to the new industry, possibly the fact I've always worked in competitive industries and now exploring the phenomenon of team work that over a year I have not quite grasped.

Writing - I've somewhat abandoned my blog, I blamed the absence of a muse where in reality I never really had one. The biggest unfortunate result of not posting and commenting is that I haven't had the opportunity to meet any other writers this year.

Relationships - Well let's see, I'm still somewhat heart broken over RR, yes the one still have contact with and spent a sensational night with just over a month ago that wrecked me once again. I revisited old mistakes and continued that elicit affair with the geologist... It's been shit.

Home - My ambitions of owning my own home seems like the most unlikely thing to possibly occur. I'm continuously on the receiving end of my boss' lectures about buying my own little unit and a new little car. I've now been living here for 12 months. I need to move on.

Health - I am certainly the largest I've ever been in my life, I feel unattractive (which may actually contribute to my relationship status above), I can't wear the majority of my clothing comfortably. Exercise seems too much effort and I find more comfort in eating comfort food, I guess that's why they call it comfort food and drowning myself with wine. Not conducive to improvement. Other health issues. Mum with kidney cancer. It's all shit.

Essence of Me - this year I feel although my generosity and consideration has been taken advantage of. I look around at the behaviour of some of the people in my life and I realise I compromise more than any others, I see my friends and people that claim they are 'my best friend' appear to do more for other friends and not me... I feel like I'm always giving and I don't receive the same or even any smidgen of reciprocal behaviour, don't get me wrong I don't do things to receive, it would just be nice every and a while. Unfortunately I've run out of breathe and won't be going out of my way for anyone anymore.

Travel - Well I had a 4 week holiday visiting the following destinations: Hong Kong, Paris, Turin, La Spezia, Cinque Terre, Pisa, Florence, Rome, Sorrento, Dubrovnik, Spilt, Prague, Cesky Krumlov, Hof, Amsterdam. I spent so much money and entirely disappointed in what was supposed to be a holiday. I can't fathom going on a plane again and being disappointed with such associated expenditure (explains why there wasn't many posts during my trip hey)

Friendships - some people have gone, some for good reasons i.e. moving overseas and others for reasons unbecoming, incomprehensible and just plain ridicules. I have met some wonderful people unfortunately 2 of them have left for overseas which may impede a friendship with two other girls. I have however been blessed to met a girl that I've known for only 6 months and enhanced my life greatly and an old friend that moved overseas 7 years ago is back.

Next year must get better, it must.

I Don't Get It. I Just Don't Get it...

2008-12-28T11:27:00.005+11:00

Following on from my last post regarding Boxing Day and meeting this man that I really enjoyed he's company and attracted to. Silly how infrequently this actually occurs. I was totally under the impression that he had the same feelings, well no, I was certain he had these thoughts, inviting me over from dinner the next night, his comment about the lottery, telling me that his time is all mine and then

Last night was too fast

I don't think it's a good idea if you come over for dinner tonight, if you want to catch up for a drink that's cool or if you want to see your friends tonight that's cool too

I'm laying everything straight up front, I'm not looking for a commitment

It was just too much last night

I drifted off he commented on dead silence and I couldn't help it say 'I just met you I only just realised I would like to see you again, I find this really simple, I enjoy being with some one therefore want to spend more time with that person, I hadn't even considered anything further. How about tonight is tentative'.

I don't understand this. Can some one please explain it to me!

Boxing Day... And a Date

2008-12-27T11:07:00.004+11:00

I didn't have any plans from boxing day this year and to my contentment no plans for the weekend, I thought I'd take the opportunity to relax, endeavour to rid this cold I seemed to pick up last, go to the gym, do my tax, organise photos from my holiday, update my blog etc... So I started with a nice breakfast, organised photos, watched a few episodes of Buffy and played on facebook a little. There's been a guy that I have had a few email exchanges over this strange networking site and he had planned the same thing as me for the weekend, planned to do nothing and we both got itchy feet. Within a few minutes of coming to this realisation we were on the phone organising where we would meet and have a drink.

We met in Neutral Bay for a drink and it was crazy how well we got along, quirky exchanges of knowledge ie best swords in the world, medieval punishment of archers - it was rather fun and interesting.

After a couple of drinks we decided to go for a walk through middle head, we drove down and chatted on a park bench for a good couple of hours, we kissed and felt like teenagers. It was close to 1am and thought it's best we call it a night, in the car he asked if he could see me again this weekend, we made plans to have dinner tonight, he then said one of the strangest yet nicest things, I would have thought I'd have better luck winning the lottery than having a night like this with you...

We continues up the long stretch of road and then stopped. The gate was locked!

In fits of laughter we tried to figure out what best to do, I mean we had just met this night and here we are locked in a park at night , a dark park that doesn't open for another 4 hours. My only suggestion was to call a cab, collect my car, he crash at my place and pick up the car the next day - wait, I just met this guy, crazy. I called the cab company and the girl on the phone was laughing and teasing 'I don't want to know what you two kids were doing in a park late at night'.

We were waiting and chatting for about 40 minutes until I did a follow up call on the cab, they were trying to find a cab but didn't like our chances, so that was it, we were to sleep in the car until the gates were open. We drove down toward the restaurants in the area and found a nice little spot, we snuggled in each others arms, kissing and laughing until we saw headlights! Yes, headlights, it was security coming past doing their rounds and let us out, he too having a nice little laugh at the shirtless man trying to get out of the park at night.

So there we were sheepishly and giggling like teenagers getting out of this strange situation. I must admit this is one of the most interesting first encounters with a man I think I've ever had. He said to call him today to organise tonight... I'm feeling that little bit nervous, I think I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

So This is Christmas

2008-12-26T10:50:00.001+11:00

The lead up to Christmas was different this year, mum told me months ago that it would be her turn to work this year (she works at the hospital - the sick don't stop) so I organised to spend my first Christmas with my dad. Only a few weeks ago mum was told that they won't be needing her on Christmas day... To my horror mum may be alone this year, I made every attempt to make it sound great, she can have my sister over for Christmas and not have any tension etc. It was organised that I'll be with dad and my mum will be with my sister and I'll see mum on Christmas eve.

Christmas Eve came around inconceivably fast this year, I hadn't even found my last minute Christmas gift for mum and I knew exactly what I was getting my roomie's but it hadn't been found yet. I was to just spend time with mum for Christmas eve but my sister wasn't going to pick her up the next day and mum was supplying the roast lamb, potato salad and classic salad - I couldn't fathom mum getting on the bus the next day with these items, okay so it was funny for a moment.

The last minute Christmas shopping dash was accompanied by numerous text messages between RR and I about how horrible last minute shopping is and how this bad shopping management cuts into celebration time... I couldn't help it think back to last year when I spent Christmas eve with him and drove him to the airport the next day when pearshapped relations ensured so when I received a message from one of my work colleagues asking where I was at I took him shopping with me, after all we both had to purchase presents for our mothers.. I thought for a moment that this felt like a couple doing their shopping, it felt nice.

Christmas day I woke up slowly and exchanged gifts with mum and drove her over to my sisters place, it was overwhelmingly unwelcoming. I gave her a card and the one for my nephew without even seeing or wishing my nephew a Merry Christmas and continued on my journey to pick up my dad's friend who has spent the last Christmas with us, he's Macedonian and doesn't have any family here so dad includes him in our celebrations I did have a feeling that my dad was trying to set us up - he is after all closer to my age than dad's, G had a box of roses for me, I was so pleasantly surprised by this gesture, a man not a relative giving me a gift on Christmas.

Lunch was sensational, we all ate and drank way too much, there was great controversial conversation and I went home at sunset to spend the night with my full tummy in front of the television... So this was Christmas

Bon Voyage

2008-12-17T11:48:00.002+11:00

Two of my friends have left Australian shores to pursue their career in UAE... I remember the first time I saw her, she walked through the office with such purpose and wearing such a beautiful outfit I thought no one that pretty could possibly be nice, when I first saw him sit at the desk next to mine I wondered if they were together, too very attractive people in such close proximity that appear to get along must.

Over the last year D & AC have become very near and dear to me, we have had many dinner parties, cocktails and champagne that should lead us into AA and I've met some wonderful people through them.

My office feels empty without them and there is a huge void. Bon Voyage and I hope to see you soon in Dubai.

Life: Filtering Out a Friend...

2008-12-15T14:01:00.001+11:00

This is going to be hard, I have come to the conclusion that one of the girls in my life has a negative impact on me.

She is someone that I have a lot in common with, we both enjoy musical theatre, horse racing, same venues for casual and formal drinks, she's beautiful, witty and intelligent, it's shame that our other commonality is the man we dated.

I feel that every time I'm around her I'm reminded that I was inadequate for D, he wanted to be with her.

On Saturday night I went to a friend of a friends birthday cocktail party, The Doctor who use to pine for me, send random text messages brought a date to the party - my friend, this friend. To set the record straight, I have no romantic interest in this man and the last couple occasions I've been out where he has been I've left with another man. With this I'm more than happy for him to see my friends, but why this girl?

I'm fragile enough as it is when it comes to my self esteem, I can not expose myself to this slap in the face any longer... I will have to slowly filter out any and then all social contact with her for my own well being.

Next Meeting

2008-12-08T12:27:00.000+11:00

During a meeting how can I subtly count how many time someone says 'shit'. I find it highly unprofessional and I can't help it flinch each time 'all this shit' and 'it's a shit load of work 'is mentioned. I quiver with embarrassment and need to distract myself with thoughts of this is really tally worthy - now why don't any of my colleagues say anything about this behaviour? Is it now seen as acceptable for a woman to speak this way in order to be accepted by the boys, not in my book and it never will be.

The Harbour Cruise - November 2008

2008-11-30T20:47:00.004+11:00

The doctor once again organised a harbour cruise, after the last one that I didn't enjoy for the bargain price of $80 I didn't want to go but with at least12 other friends going I couldn't really say no, now I'm happy I did.

It was a beautiful day and I thought this harbour cruise has to be good, it really has to be... I didn't have anything to wear as the invitation stated 'black tie', who knows what black tie / formal means these days anyway so I decided to angle my eccentric side and wear a flapper dress. On my way to the dock on the bus the heavens opened up and the rain poured, my stocking yet and feet sliding around inside my shoes, my hair wet like a drowned water rat, however, I was determined to have a good night.

We boarded to tiny boat of which I'm almost sure would've been above capacity and meet up with our friends.

We selected a seat upstairs where we could see all the people walking up the stairs - great position to perve. I was sitting there with C. and a few handsome well built men were right in front of us, I pointed out 'purple shirt, he's hot!', I almost lost my breathe, oh shit, I know him... Cute Navy Boy.

He and his friends joined our table and commenced introduction, he lent over and introduced himself, I said '*my name* I believe we've met...' in what I tried to be my most polite yet seductive manner, it took him a moment to register before telling me it was my hair that was different and he didn't recognise me, I knew right then that this harbour cruise was going to be interesting, I knew right then that I'd be going home with him and finally getting to know that body the way I wanted to in 2005.

Let me digress, this is the story:

I was working at a building in North Sydney, he came to inspect an apartment. There were the lingered looks, the smiles, I felt the blood rushing through my body, face flushed, I couldn’t put a sentence together, I was a giggly 15 year old. We were in the foyer and that’s when he asked me if I’d like to have dinner with him, I gave him my number (which I seldom do). He called the next day…

We went out for dinner, a little Thai place at Coogee Beach, conversation was so easy, he was so cute, so nice, very funny… We ordered the same dish and hardly touched our food because we were talking so much. We left the restaurant and went for a walk along the beach. Until it started to rain were to go now? I invited him back to my place for a glass of wine. I was staying in Bellevue Hill at the time and had a great view from the undercover balcony all the way to Bondi Beach, wine and conversation until the early hours of the morning, we said our goodbyes at the door, he gave me a kiss on the check goodnight. I went to bed with huge silly grin.

A few days later, it was a Wednesday night we met again for coffee at Double Bay followed by a walk to the little marina, he kissed me, I melted into his arms, what beautiful strong arms he had, I could feel his muscular physique through his shirt… That Friday I went overseas for 6 weeks constant text messages back and forth. We met for coffee 2 days after I came back, it wasn’t the same. Less than a week later he went away for 4 weeks. I started back at the building while he was away and was told he had a new girlfriend by one of my colleagues. I cried.

We did end up going home together, I touched every inch of that body, forgot the tears I once cried for him, forgot that he wasn't man enough to admit to me years ago that he had met someone else, forgot everything.

The next morning waking in his apartment, remembering the ornaments he had there years ago, the sadness that consumed me, I wouldn't let him see it. He drove me home and asked if I'd like to go for coffee, I gave him my number and I'm in hope that it will pick up from here...

Life: A Picture

2008-11-24T21:36:00.003+11:00

Let me digress the dynamics of the group... One of the beautiful girls is the ex-girlfriend of my ex-boyfriends best friend (gottit?) we became friends several years ago as we were constantly together at dinners, house warming's etc... The beautiful girl to my left is her sister L, she is the girl my ex-boyfriend was seeing when 'we had a break'. We had only met in passing previously and it wasn't until a few months ago when we finally broke the silence about our relationships with the same man we determined he cheated on us both, ie we were separated for 3-4 months and they were seeing each other for 6-7 months - my maths ain't that good but I can work that one out.

This man finds it amusing we are friends now...

So I sent the photo to him today with a nice little note saying I thought he would like to see some photos from my 30th birthday, he called within 5 minutes and the overwhelming feeling of disdain flooded back, I remember the reason why we broke up. He still thinks to this day I cheated on him. I did no such thing, at least now those actions are explained. He was betraying me.

The Last Night of My 20's

2008-11-18T09:15:00.002+11:00

It was planned that I would have the house to myself for the last night of my 20's, I thought I'd enjoy a nice bath a few glasses of wine and dance around my living room in my underwear - a blissful night in my opinion and a great way to say goodbye to my twenties...

As I was pouring a glass on wine for myself I felt overwhelmingly alone. Should I really be spending this night alone? No one had said so much as arranging a coffee for the night, RR who I'd been in email communication with for the previous weeks said I should be spending this night with friends over dinner and drinks. Once I had my first sip of wine I sent him a message saying how wrong it felt that I am drinking alone, he offered to join me.

There I was knowingly making a mistake, I know my feelings for this man and I'm fully aware it's not reciprocal, due to my stupid emotional connection to this man I can not stop myself from contacting him nor do I want to...

He came over to my house armed with a bottle of red wine, we drank, we talked, we kissed and I made the last mistake of my twenties when I slept with him. And if my drunken emotional state wasn't bad enough when he was leaving I asked him never to contact me agian.

He sent me a happy birthday message this morning.

Life: Dinner

2008-11-12T10:52:00.003+11:00

I had a couple of my darling work colleagues come over to my place last night for dinner, I enjoy their company each time I see them and we always drink copious amounts of alcohol. This email landed in my inbox:

hey! thankyou for dinner last night it was lovely! you are very talented in the kitchen!
One thing I thought was how rude your flat mates were... firstly you invite them to join you for dinner and she has plans but comes home at dinner time anyway! then he only joins us when the food is on the table, leaves and comes back for the next course... if that was me I would join in to the conversation, be social, join the dinner properly... I really thought it was very disrespectful to you, it appears that you are trying to accommodate them but they could not give a toss about you.

Posts on Facebook from the Holiday

2008-10-16T20:24:00.000+11:00

Miss is on the train in Hong Kong!

Miss freaked out at the sight of air carriages so couldn't see the big Buddha! Ahhhh.

Miss is about to hit the streets of Paris! Pastries and coffee for days to come...

Miss is eating a baguette with cheese adjacent the Eiffel tower in the sun. Bliss...

Miss just lost herself in the louvre...

Miss is in court at Versailles.

Miss has said goodbye to Paris, hello to Turin and looking forward to seeing Anji tonight!!!

Miss is disappointed the Chocopass in Turino wasn't available. I made up for it dropping by chocolate café's and shopping!

Miss ... if she can drive stick it Italy, she can do anything. Over 160km on the Autostrade! whoo hooo!!!

Miss is indulging in Lemonchello and cheese plates in Cinque Terre....

Miss is eating pizza at pisa.

Miss had the most amazing truffle ravioli and a nice Chianti in Florence last night...

Miss has just had the most sensational Roman experience!

Miss is going to see La Traviata in Roma tonight!!!

Miss went to mass with the pope at the Vatican. Now at the mouth of truth...

Miss had the worst day! Designer shopping and driving wild coastal roads was to no avail... Tomorrow will be better.

Miss thinks the south of Italy, Sorrento is highly over-rated!!!

Miss hates it here! Can’t wait to leave Campania tomorrow!! f*#k the Amalfi!!!

Miss drove from Amalfi to the Adriatic in a couple hours!

Miss just arrived in old town Dubrovnik by ferry, it's so beautiful here I already love it!

Miss is loving long dinners in the old town Dubrovnik with family and friends!

Miss is in Dubrovnik drinking, smoking, having a good time...

Miss is in Bosnia and Herzegovina???

Miss ... okay, I've already departed Bosnia and Herzegovina!?

Miss has split to split!

Miss is going to hang at the palace today!

Miss is indulging in a traditional Dalmatian lunch by split harbour listening to old Croatian men singing...

Miss is preparing herself for a long drive. Departing Croatia soon going through Slovenia, Austria to Czech!

Miss is wondering what her life would've been like if she grew up here in Czech republic?!?

Miss found a chocolate called "happy cows" in south bohemia. I’m happy Nat!!!

Miss is spending the day in Praha before going away for 2 nights.... wait a sec, I’m already away?

Miss is sad. Only did a drive through my favourite Czech town... pfft commitments near Germany!

Miss felt the earth move and not in a good way! earth quake!!!

Miss just had coffee in Germany and now on the way to her last big Czech feast before the long journey home...

Miss has had so much good food while on holiday her tummy is like a dumpling!!!

Miss has not slept for hours and now killing time in Seoul airport... The city is too far away to do a quick sightseeing tour!!!

Miss found a couple things to do... I had kemchi for lunch (thanks stevo!) and a Korean massage followed by a manicure - I actually paid to have a manicure!?

Miss is home.

Hong Kong - Night 1, Day 1

2008-09-16T19:51:00.003+10:00

We arrived at Hong Kong airport late on Monday night and caught 2 trains to the hotel in Jordon - yes, I caught not just one train but 2, this from someone who refuses to catch public transport in her own city. We dumped all our belongings in the room, had a quick freshen up and headed to the night markets. Bartered a bargain or two and ate street food with beer...

This morning we got up rather early and went straight to The Peek. I almost freaked at the 45 deg track, up we went for a view of the entire city... The next item on our tourist list was to see the Big Buddha. We got there and a I saw this. The air carriages to take us over. My irrational fear of being suspended in the air took over and we went shopping instead.

It Was A Good Idea At The Time

2008-09-14T19:13:00.002+10:00

I'm all packed, I actually did my packing in conjunction with cleaning out my wardrobe. It was a really good feeling to know when I come home I will have only what I want to have and only what I feel good in in my wardrobe.

When...

2008-09-14T18:54:00.003+10:00

Further to my last post... I've made several lists of things to do and things not to do when ever a milestone occurs, the new years resolution, next financial year, after my birthday, this time it will be when I get back from my holiday. Number one of course will be to actually do the things on my list.

When I get back from my 4 week European extravaganza I will make a concentrated effort to save for a house deposit. I will cease seeing inappropriate men. I will maintain a better diet. I will re-enroll in fencing lessons. I will be more responsive when it comes to communication with friends. I will endeavour to have some sort of relationship with my sister.

I will do it. I must have more control over my actions and future.

Stab Through the Heart Again.

2008-09-14T18:30:00.001+10:00

Do you remember Sabre Boy? Well a few weeks ago I saw him at our mutual friends 30th birthday party (we met at his 28th). I saw him and the attraction I had for him 2 years ago filled me again.

For about 2 hours at the party our eyes darted to and fro, almost like avoiding eye contact and yet scoping each other out. I went to go to the bar and another guy that was standing next to him said 'Hi !' I had no idea who he was, he said he met me earlier that year at another friends birthday party. I couldn't believe it. Such a small world. A guy I kinda dated but best mates with and at the time a very awkward time for us. Anyway, Sabre Boy said hello to me, we entertained idol chat for about 3 minutes then he turned me toward him and apologised for being a jerk. I told him that he is and I was warned of his womanising ways prior to us getting together and then I let him have it, I went off on a rant ' just because you apologise for being a jerk does not grant you permission to behave like a jerk. why is it then men think if they can recognise that they are a jerk us woman will think it's an endearing trait and allow them to get away with it!' That was just the begining... He said he regretted his behaviour.

As the night progressed we continued talking (civily) we migrated closer to each other and whilst playing pool (which I'm really bad at but did sink more balls than the boys) he had his arms around me and we snuggled and kissed. He walked me to my car, I know he was expectant of more. He said he no longer had my number, That made me feel warm and fuzzy, he asked for my number. I gave it to him. He rang my phone straight away, I joked asking if he thought I would give him the wrong number, he said he was surprised I even spoke to him... I told him that I'm not going to save his number in my phone. He accepted that.

The next morning he sent me a text asking if I would like to come over for a movie, I did. We had sex. It was good, just good. We then went out for dinner and he walked me to my car, said he would like to see me again... We saw each other again a week later and I just couldn't come to terms I would be back in this thing. I will not let him hurt me again, therefore I can never let him in again. He asked if I would like to do something last week and I just had too much in my mind, I declined and gave an option for during the week... I leave tomorrow and I haven't heard from him since last weekend.

Home Situation

2008-09-14T15:44:00.000+10:00

My flat mate told me today. Today. That his girlfriend is going to move in in October. Great. A day before I go away... Something I really didn't want to have to think about when I was on holidays.

Lessons Learnt

2008-09-11T11:12:00.000+10:00

I'm very familiar the the little nugget 'learn from your mistakes', I've been assessing and reflecting my actions of late and have come to the conclusion that I do do learn from my mistakes, that is recognising these mistakes, this assessment determined that my actions have not altered; there is a situation, an option presented to me and I'm aware these actions would be a mistake, however, I continue. Once it is over, instantaneously I am overwhelmed with regret.

Is it that I have just learnt to recognise the mistake, prepare for the immanent disappointment that follows and manage my expectations? When does the lesson take affect in my life where I will stop, where I will say to myself 'no, this is a mistake' and walk away knowing there won't be the feeling of self despair...?

Daddy Day

2008-09-08T21:50:00.003+10:00

My dad was over the moon for fathers day. His present:

- Case of Kozel Czech beer
- Pork Knuckle for lunch at Kaiser Stub'n
- Me drinking a beer with him for fathers day!

Holiday Booked?

2008-09-07T11:25:00.003+10:00

The flights were booked 4 weeks ago and every plan since has gone pear shaped. My holiday costing spreadsheet has had more amendments than I can fathom. The itinerary has changed to such an extent I don't even know where I'm going to be when and I depart 15 September.

I'm stressed.

Any one I talk to tells me not to worry, get accommodation when you're there. I keep telling these people it's not in my nature, they pause, then say they understand. Come on, I have a comprehensive spread sheet of all associated known costs, inclusive of entry fees of some museums I wish to go to.

Still on my to do list:

get travel insurance
apply for international drivers license (i think it's too late)
purchase new camera - any ideas or recommendations???
book accommodation in: Hong Kong, Paris
book train from Paris to Torino
book accommodation in Torino, where are we going next!?!? Cinque Terre? Do we have to go to Florence? Rome (can we do that Monastery?) Is Nick coming? Has he got that job? Will he be meeting us in Positano? It's too expensive for 2 - where will we go?
book ferry from Bari to Dubruvnik
book the apartment in Dubruvnik. Where will we meet my cousin?
book apartment in Split

Then it's fine, I'll be in the hands of my cousin and her husband, we'll be driving to Czech Republic, where I'll be staying with them and visiting my family

- Can we get to Octoberfest?
- The chocopass in Torino!
- Is Ceci going to be in Italy - love to redo Milano - wait it's not on our itenerary
- What gift do I bring for my grandma? What gift do I bring for my cousins?

Deep breath... It will all be ok. I do have a week. A week where I have to do so much for work so all will coast along while I'm away. I want to go back to bed. I want a drink. No. I want someone to do it all for me.

Deb's 30th

2008-08-31T12:23:00.007+10:00

Debbie's 30th Birthday was a play in 3 acts...

Act 1. The girls went out for half price muscles at Epoque the Belgian Beer Cafe to celebrate Deb's last day in her 20's. Deb was awarded on the night for her outstanding achievement in friendship.

Act 2... The birthday party. Celebrated at the Mosman Hotel where all the guests treated themselves to $6 steaks and drinks, chocolate cake that I took my time sharing with S. until Jason decided to run through the pub grab it of our plate and eat it, running back outside. Apparently that was a bet!

Act 3... We ventured to The Pickled Possum. The name should say it all. It's not only dodgy as all hell - it's a karaoke / sing a long bar!

All in all one of those great unplanned nights where you end up places you just don't expect.. And with a man in your bed that you would not have expected!

A 30th Birthday in 3 Acts

2008-08-31T12:23:00.006+10:00

Debbie's 30th Birthday was a play in 3 acts...

Act 1. The girls went out for half price muscles at Epoque the Belgian Beer Cafe to celebrate Deb's last day in her 20's. Deb was awarded on the night for her outstanding achievement in friendship.

Act 2... The birthday party. Celebrated at the Mosman Hotel where all the guests treated themselves to $6 steaks and cocktails. Chocolate cake and great conversation (okay so the last couple were about me).

Act 3. The Pickled Possum, the name and the following photo's should say it all. The Pickled Possum is not just a karaoke bar, it's a sing along... American Pie came on and it was time to go home...

Happy Birthday Deb's!!!

got to see the ba-by!

2008-08-27T18:59:00.000+10:00

I went to visit one of my girlfriends last night to be introduced to her 3 week old baby boy.

Earlier in the day she sent me a text requesting I come as early as I can. Totally doable. That afternoon I ran down stairs of our office to purchase a gift for her - 10 minutes and $85 plus later I was dashing back to my desk. At 530 I packed up, logged off and on my way to pick up my car before going to her place as early as I can facing peak hour traffic over the big bad bridge.

The little boy was day asleep and this have us a great chance to chat. I received 42 minutes worth of feeding stories, in excess of 25 minutes about her almost being sent home as she was only 1cm dealated - the baby was pushing to the side. Then there were stories about the midwife and comparisons with her other friends, the friends that are also married and have children.

It was painful.

There was a little squirm from the crib on the little boy was stirring, she said he does that for a while it was my chance to give her the gift. She had a look at everything, the little clothes, the entire Johnson & Johnson range, she put it down with what felt like dissatisfaction and said dismissivly thanks for that.

After 2 hours or more of her talking about new mother hood, which I get, just not so much graphic information!!! She finally asked how I am. This was my opening to tell her and her husband that I had booked my flights to Europe! This was her opening to tell me where to go.

It had got to 830 Her husband had been cooking, her poured himself a glass of wine without an offer, then progressed to place two place mats on the dining table. No question to me if I'd eaten. How could I? I came straight from work... I took this as my cue to leave, saying I should go, I have to cook myself dinner.

I found it uncomfortable and not in line with my behaviour or how I was brought up. Not even a nibbly being offered. I wouldn't do that. And, I came baring gifts! I felt rather put out by the whole event. Won't be rushing back to visit, anyway we all knw married friends with babies all gang together, if our friendship didn't have enough strain, it certainly does now.

It's a Bit Long in the Gold Tooth

2008-08-25T19:41:00.003+10:00

A few weeks ago now I met a guy, I was instantly attracted to him and going off his actions I assumed mutual.

As the night progressed we flirted, cheeky banter and well, lets face it, interesting conversation. One of his opening lines was 'I've never been in gaol'. Of course this quirkiness intrigues me... There were a few of us out that night and we moved from drinking establishment to drinking establishment. He displayed some endearing qualities, eg helping out a drunk girl on the side of the street, an interesting move, taking a photo of the taxi's numberplate my girlfriend took to go home.

We kissed. He told me to go away. He pulled me close. He told me he was a cunt. Then he kissed me. He said I should leave. He said he really likes me. He said he wasn't a nice person. He said he wants to see me again.

I was rather intoxicated, I hadn't really factored in the alcohol consumption but later (the next week when I was speaking to friend who was there briefly) I remembered the wine, the gin & tonics, the tequila shot.

I was leaving, he was waiting for a taxi with me and asked if I wanted to go with him. I said no, we were kissing, the passion immense. I had that feeling I'd never see him again. I couldn't go home thinking I'd never feel his touch. I couldn't understand it. This is not a man I'd ever want to entertain in a relationship.

A taxi came and I said in a whisper 'I'm going with you' he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the cab.

We got to his place, we dropped all our belongings in the hallway. Kissing madly up against the wall. He led me to his bed and lowered me down, he moved on top of me, I squealed and almost cried in pain. The bruise on my leg was new and raw, he moved around and put his arm around me, once again the bruise on my back. I moved around him to be closer, to find a solution at getting away from my injuries, in doing so my knee brushed against his sheet and to my horror, blood from my grazed knee. I was broken, the mood and passion dissipated. We kissed and slept in each others arms.

The next morning we were talking, he said he wants to take me out to dinner - to my weakness I gave him my number, even though the night before his behaviour was questionable. Only 10 minutes after I got home he sent me a text to check I got home ok.

Expectations initiated.

I didn't hear from him for over a week, I spoke to my girlfriend and in true 16 year old girl style we concocted a plan... It worked, they got in contact and exchanged messages through this contact and the genius of social spying networking applications there was an introduction oppurtunity. I took it. Like any other well made plan. Messages continues until 2 weeks ago. No follow up on the dinner he wanted to share with me, not a mention of a casual coffee. Nothing. After considerable deliberations I put the whole thing to rest in my mind.

It was over the weekend I found out that my friend had lunch with him on Wednesday. I was not impressed that she went out with this guy that I had affection for, a man that dismissed me. What disappointed me about this was that she didn't volunteer the information. I asked if she had heard anything from him. I know there wasn't any indiscretionary intention. But it upset me. Not just the fact that she made contact with him, went out to lunch with him but he doesn't even respond to me and I'm the one that spent a night in his arms and the girl he said he wanted to see again.

Bazza's Birthday!

2008-08-24T23:37:00.000+10:00

Okay, there's heaps of commentary... I'll update soon. Here's the pics!

Meme - From Mez

2008-08-22T20:55:00.000+10:00

Instead of doin' it in Mez's comment box I decided to place it here because it's been so long since I've done one of these :-)

Do you listen to talk back radio? How often? Who's your favourite announcer?
I can't stand talk back radio

Favourite Wham song? (yes, everyone has one!)
Last Christmas I gave you my heart.. The very next day you gave it away

Would you accept $500,000 to be in an internet porn video?
No.

Have you ever made an internet (or otherwise) porn video? If so have other people apart from you and the other 'players' ever seen it?
No! Not going to happen either.

Do you like having your photo taken? Is it taken often?
Depends on how I'm feeling on the occasion

Are you a "high achiever"? Do you like high achievers?
I'm not a high achiever and those who are should get off their high horse!

Are you allergic to anything? What?
Kiwi fruit!

Do you believe in ghosts? Why/why not?
No. Simple, GHOST!?!?

Is there a God? Do you pray to Him/Her/It?
I'm a science girl.

Are you happy with your current career? If not, what would you change to?
Yes, I believe I have superseded my career expectations.

What is the best part of you? Why?
I'm reliable and honest

In the comic book of your life, what would you draw in the final square?
Me with Casanova in Venice

Do you go to museums and galleries in your own home town? How often?
I love galleries, don't go as often as I desire, when there is an exhibition I'm interested in I'll make the effort.

Do you ever spend time alone? If so, what does 'alone time' mean for you? If not, why not?
I love alone time. Being in my own space and let my thoughts run wild. Or like Friday night when the flatmate is out, stay in and watch several episodes of Buffy.

What are your favourite magazines?
I'm not a huge magazine fan. I do enjoy In Style every once and a while but magazines are too expensive.

What are some websites that you think I/everyone should be reading?
What ever takes their fancy. I'll always recommended news to keep up with events.

Do you have a weird fetish? If so, what is it? (this doesn't have to be sexual).
No.

Do you own an ipod? How is your music arranged on it? Are your tastes spread across many genres or are you specific in your tastes? What genres of music are your favourite?
No. No ipod.

When you go shopping..just for you.. what do you like to buy?
Depends on what I need. I try not to allow myself in dvd and music stores as I could spend a fortune.

What do you think of men/women who sleep around? Would you marry a slut?
Hard question. The motives behind the sleep around would be the deciding factor.

Someone cheats on you - do you take them back?
Never.

Have you ever thought to yourself "I don't know..maybe I'm gay" even for just one second?
Yes, I was attracted to a girl, of course I questioned. And no, I like cock.

How often do you sit down to watch a movie?
Not as often as I'd like.

In what way are you artistic?
I don't think I have an artistic bome in my body.

If John Hughes (The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, 16 Candles, Ferris Bueller) made a high school movie with you in it - which stereotypical high schooler would you be? (ie: jock, nerd, rebel, etc) Are you still like that now?
I'd be the girl in the background. Still feel that way.

Have you ever played truth or dare? Do you take the truth or the dare?
No I haven't. I'd be up for it.

Look away from the computer - what's the first thing you see?
The kitchen sink.

The song: Gold by Spandau Ballet. Love it or hate it?
I needed to youtube it, it tool until the chorus to recognise it, I do like it and remember it. Daggy 80's are awesome.

Are you confident?
In very few things.

Do you feel loved?
No.

Will I Ever Learn?!?!

2008-08-19T20:13:00.003+10:00

After the whole geologist thing at work you'd think I'd have learned my lesson - no I didn't get jiggy with another work colleague...

I flirted.

My task for Monday and Tuesday this week was to facilitate a meeting for another business unit within the company. This group is the only one in the company I'm aware that someone from outside their group to chair / facilitate a strategy planning day. I was nominated by a couple of my colleagues from the finance department, apparently becasue I'm friendly, bubbly, organised and I don't mess around. I can deal with that. The reason I agreed was to take advantage of learning more about the companies assets, meet new people (I only knew 2 out of 14, met 2 before I went) and to gain a bit of knowledge on all that carbon trading and reporting stuff?!? Still confused by it all!

Monday morning I was picked up very bright and early to make the 9am kick off for the meeting in Newcastle. The ride was surprisingly quite given the girl that was coming with us usually talks non-stop, over you etc.

I did my usual observation as soon as I walk into a room. 9 men, 4 woman. I introduced myself and outlined the agenda as well as the theme for the day. There was a team building exercise 'The Great Egg Drop' and everyone was friends.

The day went without a hitch, discussion was great and we were on track most of the time. I had received a brief prior to on the personalities of the group, the out spoken, the negative, the reporting structure and everything else you could possible imagine in order to prepare for the event.

At 5pm, our daily topics addressed we went to the bar in the hotel - oh, the view from my room:

I'm not sure if you can see it, but I counts 14 ships out there!

I ordered a gin and tonic and told swore to myself not to get carried away.

Until he suggested champaign, who am I to decline some good champaign (yes, the French champaign). We drank champaign with a strawberry on the side and the poor guy was given a hard time for the rest of the night.

The group (minus one girl who doesn't go out due to religious reasons) walked to the restaurant, somehow me and I. ended up sitting next to each other? Since we were at a seafood restaurant I ordered a couple bottles of white wine. Dinner was divine, I shared a dozen oysters mornay, traded some natural and had the snapper fillet for main which was on a bed of fettuccine, delicious. We got through a lot of wine, polished off almost 2 bottles when the dessert menu was placed in front of us - one between two when it comes to dessert menu's, we were talking dessert and the cheesecake sounded great, I stared to say I wouldn't be able to eat a whole one when he said he would just like a couple of bites for a sweet after taste.

We shared dessert. There was a strawberry. He was given a hard time by all the guys again.

I caught myself being flirtatious.

We spoke food, work, people we work with (we are at different sites - I'm in head office and spend some of my time on site at a CSM project, he's onsite manager of another plant). Made tentative dinner plans at Tetsuya's assuming in 4-6 months time...

After dinner the group had more drinks at the bar, I had a glass of port to finish off the night, that he ordered for me without even asking.

There was teasing and a strawberry was placed in front of him.

I went to bed after my port ALONE and thought to myself that I just can't help it.

The next day at breakfast I felt awkward, drank too much, however, no where near as much as some of the other party goers - there were sambucca shots happening down the other end of the table!

As the conference continued discussion was great, a bit of strawberry, Miss Venezuela, waygu steak and sambucca jokes going around. I kept them on track.

The 2 day strategy meeting concluded and I figure I'll barely see these guys again and prepared for the comments for the next day.

Update: Only a few comments about Champaign and what a big night it was. Phew!

Nick's 30th Birthday

2008-08-17T21:12:00.000+10:00

The big 3-0 parties have kicked off! It's that time in my life where all my close friends have just turn 30 or at that stage of evaluating their life just before turning 30 (me).

Nick decided to drink to the occasion with his nearest and dearest friends - here are the highlights and believe me the lowlights were avoided on film!

Oh and the first pics of my new hair do :-)

In Tribute

2008-08-16T09:31:00.001+10:00

It's the 31st Anniversary of Elvis's death - In tribute, here's s a couple of my favourite songs...

It's Complicated

2008-08-13T20:59:00.001+10:00

It had been a secret, it was a very well kept secret. It was to prevent me from knowing the truth... To protect my heart and my memories of love. What I regarded as real love.

My ex-boyfriend D and I broke up 2.5 years into our relationship, during that 'break' I knew he started seeing someone. I thought it was some random skanky slut. It made me feel better in saying that.

During 3 months of our break he spoke to each other regularly and I sincerely missed him, he said the same. I felt empty and lost without him.

Our split was temporary, maximum of 4 months and the moment we back together we started talking marriage and before long we were looking at purchasing a property together, a place that would be our home.

Our relationship carried on for over a year with his insistent questioning of my fidelity, it finally feel apart when his accusations of me seeing someone brought me to tears, brought him to raising his hand to me, forced me to seek assistance from the police and finally I ended it...

Only a few weeks ago (I have started writing this post over and over) I found out the girl he was seeing was someone I had met many times while we were dating, she is the sister of E, his best friends girlfriend.

Since mine and E's relationship with respective boyfriends dissolved our friendship grew, we had both been through destructive relationships and came out weaker than anyone could imagine and slowly triumphed at the realisation that our actions were necessary and most importantly the best for our wellbeing.

Over a few glasses of wine a few weeks ago L and I finally spoke about it.

They were seeing each other for 6 - 7 months.

She met his family early on (I was kept a secret for almost a year).

She thought it was over between me and D.

I apologised for all the horrible things I said about her. Of course I didn't know it was her.

I was destroyed again. Felt totally deflated. The man I was planning to marry, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with cheated on me for months, he accused me of the action he himself was doing.

He punished me for his own actions.

I didn't think it ever possible. I now hate this man.

Hellzapoppin'

2008-08-13T20:06:00.002+10:00

Cibby sent me this clip and all I'm thinking of is going out and dancing. If only there were venues around Sydney where cool cats danced like this. I considered taking lessons but I don't think my body would be able to move like that now.

The Olympics

2008-08-11T21:12:00.001+10:00

I'm curious about the footage... We have only 1.5 TV stations broadcasting and the mainstream channel has only been showing events where Aussies are competing - Is it similar in the other nations, no representative participating, therefore no coverage?

Observations...

2008-08-09T12:02:00.001+10:00

I wandered to the bus stop closest my house, 4 buses full of people went by. The crowd gathered, when a bus pulled into the curb the bunch of people crowded the doors and we all went on one by one.

The bus traveled over the Northbridge bridge and I look at in awe as I do everyday...

I was seated at the window of the bus, staring into space when the bus pulled into the next stop where people were in single files, lined to board the bus. They all stepped on in order.

The trip surprisingly takes less time going into the CBD than to North Sydney.

People dress so much nicer in the city than North Sydney.

I spotted a ra-ra skirt in the shops.

In my course of 9 student and one teacher I can confirm 7 students are married and the teacher, the other guy in the room is not confirmed.

The course finished a little early so I went in search of shoes in Chinatown, there was one point I looked around and I was the sole anglo saxon.

I'm drawn to venues that look lush and inviting, not trendy and large.

Customer service representatives can surprise me with their friendliness and professionalism.

Going to the bus stop at 9.30pm it not a bad nor scary thing to do.

Intending to get home from a potential boozy night to watch an opening of a global event is somewhat fulfilling. Even if I fall asleep a few minutes into it.

When falling into bed with 1000 thread sheets I consider myself lucky.

Thought Process

2008-08-07T07:40:00.000+10:00

My plans last night were canceled, it was a valid reason and notice was given. There was someone who was to be in attendance that I would like to see again. I liked him when we met.

In the evening my phone rang at it was a man, he was hesitant, immediately...

Is this him, has he called me to see if I'm free as both of our plans got canceled... Is he going to ask me for dinner?

I couldn't believe how fast my thoughts went to that scenario.

It wasn't him.

It was a guy that accidentally sent a pix to my number and called to apologise as he got a digit wrong and that it's nothing rude, he then continued to tell me he was in Darwin and saw a Chinese guy playing a didgeridoo and he thought it was hilarious and sent it to his mate... I wasn't able to download the photo. He was a nice, random, strange character.

Lust, Love and Crushes - all in a song

2008-08-02T14:13:00.000+10:00

I was singing along to this song this morning and it dawned on me how relevant the lyrics are to me...

The maddest kind of love, is a love you know is wrong, it burns a hole, right through your soul, and cuts you like a knife.

The maddest kind of love, is a love you know won't last, it fills your heart with passion, makes you lie about your past, you know I speak from experience, livin' each day, its something she does, something she'll say.

Its the maddest kind of love. The maddest kind of love, is a love just for the thrill, it doesn't have a conscience, only lives, for the kill.

The maddest kind of love is a love you know's a lie, it leaves feeling empty, too weak, too cold to cry. You know I speak from experience, livin' each day, it's something she'll do, something she'll say.

Its the maddest kind of love. Its a mad, mad love. Its the maddest kind of love. Its a mad, mad love. wooooooooo yeah, You know I speak from experience, livin' each day,
its something she does, its something she'll say.

Its the maddest kind of love, its a mad, mad love, its a maddest kind of love, its a mad, mad love, ooooooooooh yeah, you're in love (yeah), don't fall in love... ooooooooooooooooooooooh

*Big Bad Voodoo Daddy...

Work's Shit This Week

2008-08-01T13:50:00.001+10:00

I was extremely upset with a 'new guy' I say that with some reservation as he is a former employee that went to Dubai to work for 2 years and upon return came back.

This guy has stepped on my toes already.

Let me digress... I've been appointed Project Manager for the next stage of one of our developments, in saying that I'm in the land and approvals section and this guy was appointed by the GGM to conduct the financial analysis - I didn't know.

Fuck the communication is shit in our organisation.

One of the consultants came up to me at my desk on Wednesday morning and asked for maps or the proposed development. Huh? Who are you and why do you think I'll just give you my proposal? It was 7.40am and I hadn't even turned my computer on or got my coffee... Not impressed. I told him I'd be able to supply those maps and give an outline at 9.30 buying time and able to speak to my boss to find out what the fuck was going on!

My boss told me that the new guy is doing the drilling analysis and the consultant is doing the cost projection for the pipelines, compression facilities and new production plant. That he was only advised the evening before and told them to speak to me.

Great.

I gave him an overview of the proposal, reasoning for locations and a briefing on the development approval process including landowner issues and environmental constraints - he had no idea about what *we* do.

The next afternoon I was to go on site, when I go to site I take the field car as per usual I sent an email to my team to advise them I was taking the car - the response 'Sorry Nat, It's already been booked by the new guy*. Already peeved I replied all 'It would be appreciated if team members are advised when the car is booked' I get back from the little bitch 'it is up to individual team members to coordinate booking the car' getting more irritated with the situation I responded 'that was exactly what I was doing - sending an email to the team advising them I would be using the car, should the other team member have the same courtesy then I would've made alternate commitments'. No reply.

I ended up driving my own car to site and spent the afternoon with the only person in the organisation I don't get along with - now, didn't. These 2 guys, the new one and the consultant has stepped on his toes harder than mine.

Thankfully I only have 2 days in the office next week.

The End of July

2008-07-31T01:18:00.001+10:00

Job Status: This may be a bad week to be doing my weekly update. It was just shit.
Gym workouts: Still can barely walk. This is my bruise -

Family stuffs: After the weekend I've tried to block it all out.
Hunk of the week: Wentworth Miller... Prison Break finale this week, it was getting worse by the minute but I didn't care, all I watched it for was Wentworth Miller and Dominic Purcell running around all sweaty... Dreams...

Relationship Status: Nothing at all. No one at all.
Movies watched:
Shortbus - what can I say... opening scene it a guy filming himself pissing in a bathtub and later a male threesome, however, it never felt seedy or pornographic
Reading: Nothing
Diet: I had Yum Cha twice this week and pizza on 2 occasions, other than that I'm rather healthy - for the time being.
Alcohol consumption: Last Friday I had a few glasses of red, then on Monday I was reminded the guys were doing shots and remembered I had tequila.... Saturday backed up with champers and cocktails. I then went 3 consecutive days without alcohol.
Song stuck in my mind: Mony Mony - Billy Idol - Are the lyrics really 'ride the pony'?
Quote of the week:

I'm a cunt

* Guy I met on Friday night. Turns out he is.

Random Observation: When people say they are a cunt and display some positive, caring attributes - believe them. It's more than likely true... Even if you get along with them and attracted to them.
Picture of the Week:

Money Spent:
$156 on 3 sets of pleasure estate lingerie and a CK jumper. Bargain.

Self Preservation

2008-07-29T19:52:00.004+10:00

I took the day off work yesterday.

I woke up, I say waking up loosely as I had the most horrendous sleeplessness of a night...

There were contributing factors:

When I swallowed my throat felt like razor blades. After feeling sick for over 3 weeks with a flu there was no way I was going to risk having a relapse.
My nephew had an operation.
I visited my aunt to pick up some X-rays because mum can take them to the hospital - she has been diagnosed with cancer.
I thought spending a night with a man may assist me in getting the geologist out of my mind. It did help, however backfired as I developed expectations from *this* man which I know will disappoint me even though I know he's not a man for me.

I couldn't go to work. I slept most of the day, woke up around lunch time and had a shower, I then watched many episodes of Buffy for pure escapism. My friend C knew I was down in the dumps and not feeling well and she came over that night after work to keep me company, bringing soup and healthy dessert and dvd's.

It was a day I needed to have...

Jacket

2008-07-23T21:05:00.000+10:00

I was wrapped in you, enveloped in memories of you.

My mind drifted to when we were pressed up against each other... When I was nuzzled into the nape of your neck, you smelt so good. I loved running my hands through your hair, your hair was slightly damp from the passion we endured. Shivers run down my back when I think of you kissing me. Feeling your weight on me. Hearing you breathe deeply.

I indulge in the memories as I'm sitting there. I discreetly inhale at the collar of your jacket, I can't help close my eyes for that moment, I stare out the window into the distance reminiscing your hand caress my face before kissing me deeply, you make me weak at the knees.

I returned your jacket, I had the lingering scent of you...

Spot the Difference

2008-07-22T18:18:00.004+10:00

These nice little beauties are my reminder of Friday night. This is an example of that nexus of pleasure and pain, however, a park bench on Observatory Hill late at night may not be my next first choice for extracurricular activities.

This was a result of this mornings adventure, the adventure falling down the fire stairs at work. The heel of my shoes caught on the hem of my trousers and I went head first down the metal edged stairs. Thankfully I was following my boss and he caught me around the shoulders before the landing.

I was hobbling bare foot around the office today, had my afternoon green tea with the geologist and showed him my hand cuts, my ankle cuts and swelling indicated the raised lump on my thigh (so inappropriate so flash him at that time). I then pointed out my right legs and the array of colours, laughing 'that was from Friday night'. An uncomfortable silence, he blushed.

Another Flying Balloonist

2008-07-21T14:16:00.000+10:00

Once you know about it, how could you forget the Brazilian priest that was lost at sea and mine and my work colleagues reaction to said event (until we found out it was real). Today an email landed in my inbox Lawn Chair Balloonist Reaches Idaho. Yes, there was another one! Best comment 'maybe the priest was trying to fly to Sydney for World Youth Day to meet the Pope on the Harbour'

WYD is O.V.E.R

2008-07-19T13:39:00.001+10:00

Our city taken by storm with a sea of orange - why would they use orange for this papal event? While I'm on questions, why is it World Youth Day when it goes all week!?!?

I found a few more people on the buses, a nice welcoming feel around town and really the only negative mention is the Harbour Bridge being closed all day Sunday. Hey, I stayed north.

Thursday while the popemoboat (boat-a -cade) went through the harbour I stood at the window and watched. That would be as close to seeing the pope as I could ever foresee.

Now that this event is over I can post these little gems.

World Ute Day of course hehehe

Dolce

2008-07-17T20:59:00.000+10:00

I think my hormones are on overdrive. I can't stop looking at half naked men, men with bodies like this how could I possibly not...

Phobic...?

2008-07-16T20:40:00.002+10:00

I couldn't even fathom some of these. Hilarious and sad at the same time...

A-
Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing.
Acarophobia- Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
Acerophobia- Fear of sourness.
Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Acousticophobia- Fear of noise.
Acrophobia- Fear of heights.
Aerophobia- Fear of drafts, air swallowing, or airbourne noxious substances.
Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places.
Aeronausiphobia- Fear of vomiting secondary to airsickness.
Agateophobia- Fear of insanity.
Agliophobia- Fear of pain.
Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.
Agraphobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
Agrizoophobia- Fear of wild animals.
Agyrophobia- Fear of streets or crossing the street.
Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.
Albuminurophobia- Fear of kidney disease.
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
Algophobia- Fear of pain.
Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Altophobia- Fear of heights.
Amathophobia- Fear of dust.
Amaxophobia- Fear of riding in a car.
Ambulophobia- Fear of walking.
Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.
Amychophobia- Fear of scratches or being scratched.
Anablephobia- Fear of looking up.
Ancraophobia- Fear of wind. (Anemophobia)
Androphobia- Fear of men.
Anemophobia- Fear of air drafts or wind.(Ancraophobia)
Anginophobia- Fear of angina, choking or narrowness.
Anglophobia- Fear of England or English culture, etc.
Angrophobia - Fear of anger or of becoming angry.
Ankylophobia- Fear of immobility of a joint.
Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.
Antlophobia- Fear of floods.
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.
Aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched. (Haphephobia)
Apiphobia- Fear of bees.
Apotemnophobia- Fear of persons with amputations.
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Arachnephobia or Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.
Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers.
Arrhenphobia- Fear of men.
Arsonphobia- Fear of fire.
Asthenophobia- Fear of fainting or weakness.
Astraphobia or Astrapophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Ceraunophobia, Keraunophobia)
Astrophobia- Fear of stars or celestial space.
Asymmetriphobia- Fear of asymmetrical things.
Ataxiophobia- Fear of ataxia. (muscular incoordination)
Ataxophobia- Fear of disorder or untidiness.
Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.
Atephobia- Fear of ruin or ruins.
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
Atomosophobia- Fear of atomic explosions.
Atychiphobia- Fear of failure.
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
Aurophobia- Fear of gold.
Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern lights.
Autodysomophobia- Fear of one that has a vile odor.
Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues - anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
Automysophobia- Fear of being dirty.
Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Aviophobia or Aviatophobia- Fear of flying.
B-
Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes.
Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.
Ballistophobia- Fear of missiles or bullets.
Bolshephobia- Fear of Bolsheviks.
Barophobia- Fear of gravity.
Basophobia or Basiphobia- Inability to stand. Fear of walking or falling.
Bathmophobia- Fear of stairs or steep slopes.
Bathophobia- Fear of depth.
Batophobia- Fear of heights or being close to high buildings.
Batrachophobia- Fear of amphibians, such as frogs, newts, salamanders, etc.
Belonephobia- Fear of pins and needles. (Aichmophobia)
Bibliophobia- Fear of books.
Blennophobia- Fear of slime.
Bogyphobia- Fear of bogeys or the bogeyman.
Botanophobia- Fear of plants.
Bromidrosiphobia or Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells.
Brontophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
Bufonophobia- Fear of toads
C-
Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness.Cainophobia or Cainotophobia- Fear of newness, novelty.
Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Cancerophobia or
Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer.
Cardiophobia- Fear of the heart.
Carnophobia- Fear of meat.
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed.
Catapedaphobia- Fear of jumping from high and low places.
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.
Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors.
Cenophobia or Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas.
Ceraunophobia or Keraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Astraphobia, Astrapophobia)
Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.
Cheimaphobia or Cheimatophobia- Fear of cold.(Frigophobia, Psychophobia)
Chemophobia- Fear of chemicals or working with chemicals.
Cherophobia- Fear of gaiety.
Chionophobia- Fear of snow.
Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.
Chirophobia- Fear of hands.
Cholerophobia- Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.
Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.
Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia- Fear of money.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors.
Chronophobia- Fear of time.
Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks.
Cibophobia- Fear of food.(Sitophobia, Sitiophobia)
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.
Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia- Fear of being locked in an enclosed place.
Cleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
Climacophobia- Fear of stairs, climbing, or of falling downstairs.
Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.
Clithrophobia or Cleithrophobia- Fear of being enclosed.
Cnidophobia- Fear of stings.
Cometophobia- Fear of comets.
Coimetrophobia- Fear of cemeteries.
Coitophobia- Fear of coitus.
Contreltophobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.
Coprophobia- Fear of feces.
Consecotaleophobia- Fear of chopsticks.
Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
Counterphobia- The preference by a phobic for fearful situations.
Cremnophobia- Fear of precipices.
Cryophobia- Fear of extreme cold, ice or frost.
Crystallophobia- Fear of crystals or glass.
Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer.
Cyclophobia- Fear of bicycles.
Cymophobia or Kymophobia- Fear of waves or wave like motions.
Cynophobia- Fear of dogs or rabies.
Cypridophobia or Cypriphobia or Cyprianophobia or Cyprinophobia - Fear of prostitutes or venereal disease.
D-
Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.
Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements.
Deipnophobia- Fear of dining or dinner conversations.
Dementophobia- Fear of insanity.
Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons.
Demophobia- Fear of crowds. (Agoraphobia)
Dendrophobia- Fear of trees.
Dentophobia- Fear of dentists.
Dermatophobia- Fear of skin lesions.
Dermatosiophobia or Dermatophobia or Dermatopathophobia- Fear of skin disease.
Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Diabetophobia- Fear of diabetes.
Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school.
Dikephobia- Fear of justice.
Dinophobia- Fear of dizziness or whirlpools.
Diplophobia- Fear of double vision.
Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking.
Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Domatophobia- Fear of houses or being in a house.(Eicophobia, Oikophobia)
Doraphobia- Fear of fur or skins of animals.
Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.
Dromophobia- Fear of crossing streets.
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
Dysmorphophobia- Fear of deformity.
Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.
E-
Ecclesiophobia- Fear of church.
Ecophobia- Fear of home.
Eicophobia- Fear of home surroundings.(Domatophobia, Oikophobia)
Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.
Electrophobia- Fear of electricity.
Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom.
Elurophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia)
Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting.
Enetophobia- Fear of pins.
Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.
Enosiophobia or Enissophobia- Fear of having committed an unpardonable sin or of criticism.
Entomophobia- Fear of insects.
Eosophobia- Fear of dawn or daylight.
Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers.
Epistaxiophobia- Fear of nosebleeds.
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Equinophobia- Fear of horses.
Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.
Ereuthrophobia- Fear of blushing.
Ergasiophobia- 1) Fear of work or functioning. 2) Surgeon's fear of operating.
Ergophobia- Fear of work.
Erotophobia- Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.
Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.
Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.
Erythrophobia or Erytophobia or Ereuthophobia- 1) Fear of redlights. 2) Blushing. 3) Red.
F-
Febriphobia or Fibriphobia or Fibriophobia- Fear of fever.
Felinophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia, Gatophobia)
Francophobia- Fear of France or French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)
Frigophobia- Fear of cold or cold things.(Cheimaphobia, Cheimatophobia, Psychrophobia)
G-
Galeophobia or Gatophobia- Fear of cats.
Gallophobia or Galiophobia- Fear France or French culture. (Francophobia)
Gamophobia- Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter.
Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
Genophobia- Fear of sex.
Genuphobia- Fear of knees.
Gephyrophobia or Gephydrophobia or Gephysrophobia- Fear of crossing bridges.
Germanophobia- Fear of Germany or German culture.
Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.
Gerontophobia- Fear of old people or of growing old.
Geumaphobia or Geumophobia- Fear of taste.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Graphophobia- Fear of writing or handwriting.
Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.
Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.
H-
Hadephobia- Fear of hell.
Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.
Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.
Haphephobia or Haptephobia- Fear of being touched.
Harpaxophobia- Fear of being robbed.
Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.
Hellenologophobia- Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms.
Hemophobia or Hemaphobia or Hematophobia- Fear of blood.
Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia- Fear of challenges to official doctrine or of radical deviation.
Herpetophobia- Fear of reptiles or creepy, crawly things.
Heterophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Sexophobia)
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia- Fear of the number 666.
Hierophobia- Fear of priests or sacred things.
Hippophobia- Fear of horses.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobi

a- Fear of long words.
Hobophobia- Fear of bums or beggars.
Hodophobia- Fear of road travel.
Hormephobia- Fear of shock.
Homichlophobia- Fear of fog.
Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.
Hominophobia- Fear of men.
Homophobia- Fear of sameness, monotony or of homosexuality or of becoming homosexual.
Hoplophobia- Fear of firearms.
Hydrargyophobia- Fear of mercurial medicines.
Hydrophobia- Fear of water or of rabies.
Hydrophobophobia- Fear of rabies.
Hyelophobia or Hyalophobia- Fear of glass.
Hygrophobia- Fear of liquids, dampness, or moisture.
Hylephobia- Fear of materialism or the fear of epilepsy.
Hylophobia- Fear of forests.
Hypengyophobia or Hypegiaphobia- Fear of responsibility.
Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep or of being hypnotized.
Hypsiphobia- Fear of height.
I-
Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.
Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish.
Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.
Illyngophobia- Fear of vertigo or feeling dizzy when looking down.
Iophobia- Fear of poison.
Insectophobia - Fear of insects.
Isolophobia- Fear of solitude, being alone.
Isopterophobia- Fear of termites, insects that eat wood.
Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
J-
Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.
Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.

K-
Kainolophobia or Kainophobia- Fear of anything new, novelty.
Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.
Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.
Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.
Kenophobia- Fear of voids or empty spaces.
Keraunophobia or Ceraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.(Astraphobia, Astrapophobia)
Kinetophobia or Kinesophobia- Fear of movement or motion.
Kleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
Koinoniphobia- Fear of rooms.
Kolpophobia- Fear of genitals, particularly female.
Kopophobia- Fear of fatigue.
Koniophobia- Fear of dust. (Amathophobia)
Kosmikophobia- Fear of cosmic phenomenon.
Kymophobia- Fear of waves. (Cymophobia)
Kynophobia- Fear of rabies.
Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping.
L-
Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables.
Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.
Leprophobia or Lepraphobia- Fear of leprosy.
Leukophobia- Fear of the color white.
Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body.
Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises.
Lilapsophobia- Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
Limnophobia- Fear of lakes.
Linonophobia- Fear of string.
Liticaphobia- Fear of lawsuits.
Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers.
Logophobia- Fear of words.
Luiphobia- Fear of lues, syphillis.
Lutraphobia- Fear of otters.
Lygophobia- Fear of darkness.
Lyssophobia- Fear of rabies or of becoming mad.
M-
Macrophobia- Fear of long waits.
Mageirocophobia- Fear of cooking.
Maieusiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
Malaxophobia- Fear of love play. (Sarmassophobia)
Maniaphobia- Fear of insanity.
Mastigophobia- Fear of punishment.
Mechanophobia- Fear of machines.
Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.
Medorthophobia- Fear of an erect penis.
Megalophobia- Fear of large things.
Melissophobia- Fear of bees.
Melanophobia- Fear of the color black.
Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music.
Meningitophobia- Fear of brain disease.
Menophobia- Fear of menstruation.
Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.
Metallophobia- Fear of metal.
Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.
Meteorophobia- Fear of meteors.
Methyphobia- Fear of alcohol.
Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.
Microbiophobia- Fear of microbes. (Bacillophobia)
Microphobia- Fear of small things.
Misophobia or Mysophobia- Fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs.
Mnemophobia- Fear of memories.
Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination.
Monophobia- Fear of solitude or being alone.
Monopathophobia- Fear of definite disease.
Motorphobia- Fear of automobiles.
Mottephobia- Fear of moths.
Musophobia or Muriphobia- Fear of mice.
Mycophobia- Fear or aversion to mushrooms.
Mycrophobia- Fear of small things.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.
Myrmecophobia- Fear of ants.
Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements.
Myxophobia- Fear of slime. (Blennophobia)
N-
Nebulaphobia- Fear of fog. (Homichlophobia)
Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things.
Nelophobia- Fear of glass.
Neopharmaphobia- Fear of new drugs.
Neophobia- Fear of anything new.
Nephophobia- Fear of clouds.
Noctiphobia- Fear of the night.
Nomatophobia- Fear of names.
Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals.
Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill.
Nostophobia- Fear of returning home.
Novercaphobia- Fear of your step-mother.
Nucleomituphobia- Fear of nuclear weapons.
Nudophobia- Fear of nudity.
Numerophobia- Fear of numbers.
Nyctohylophobia- Fear of dark wooded areas or of forests at night
Nyctophobia- Fear of the dark or of night.
O-
Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.(Pocrescophobia)
Ochlophobia- Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ochophobia- Fear of vehicles.
Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.
Odontophobia- Fear of teeth or dental surgery.
Odynophobia or Odynephobia- Fear of pain. (Algophobia)
Oenophobia- Fear of wines.
Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings, house.(Domatophobia, Eicophobia)
Olfactophobia- Fear of smells.
Ombrophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia- Fear of eyes.
Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams.
Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.
Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of names.
Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)
Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.
Opiophobia- Fear medical doctors experience of prescribing needed pain medications for patients.
Optophobia- Fear of opening one's eyes.
Ornithophobia- Fear of birds.
Orthophobia- Fear of property.
Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia- Fear of smells or odors.
Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish.
Ouranophobia or Uranophobia- Fear of heaven.
P-
Pagophobia- Fear of ice or frost.
Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.
Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything.
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.
Papyrophobia- Fear of paper.
Paralipophobia- Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.
Paraphobia- Fear of sexual perversion.
Parasitophobia- Fear of parasites.
Paraskavedekatriaphobia- Fear of Friday the 13th.
Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls.
Pathophobia- Fear of disease.
Patroiophobia- Fear of heredity.
Parturiphobia- Fear of childbirth.
Peccatophobia- Fear of sinning or imaginary crimes.
Pediculophobia- Fear of lice.
Pediophobia- Fear of dolls.
Pedophobia- Fear of children.
Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.
Pellagrophobia- Fear of pellagra.
Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)
Phagophobia- Fear of swallowing or of eating or of being eaten.
Phalacrophobia- Fear of becoming bald.
Phallophobia- Fear of a penis, esp erect.
Pharmacophobia- Fear of taking medicine.
Phasmophobia- Fear of ghosts.
Phengophobia- Fear of daylight or sunshine.
Philemaphobia or Philematophobia- Fear of kissing.
Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love.
Philosophobia- Fear of philosophy.
Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
Photophobia- Fear of light.
Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.
Phthiriophobia- Fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)
Phthisiophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
Placophobia- Fear of tombstones.
Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.
Pluviophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
Pneumatiphobia- Fear of spirits.
Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia- Fear of choking of being smothered.
Pocrescophobia- Fear of gaining weight. (Obesophobia)
Pogonophobia- Fear of beards.
Poliosophobia- Fear of contracting poliomyelitis.
Politicophobia- Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.
Polyphobia- Fear of many things.
Poinephobia- Fear of punishment.
Ponophobia- Fear of overworking or of pain.
Porphyrophobia- Fear of the color purple.
Potamophobia- Fear of rivers or running water.
Potophobia- Fear of alcohol.
Pharmacophobia- Fear of drugs.
Proctophobia- Fear of rectums.
Prosophobia- Fear of progress.
Psellismophobia- Fear of stuttering.
Psychophobia- Fear of mind.
Psychrophobia- Fear of cold.
Pteromerhanophobia- Fear of flying.
Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Pupaphobia - Fear of puppets.
Pyrexiophobia- Fear of Fever.
Pyrophobia- Fear of fire.

R-
Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays.
Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs.
Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
Rhabdophobia- Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of being severely criticized. Also fear of magic.(wand)
Rhypophobia- Fear of defecation.
Rhytiphobia- Fear of getting wrinkles.
Rupophobia- Fear of dirt.
Russophobia- Fear of Russians.
S-
Samhainophobia: Fear of Halloween.
Sarmassophobia- Fear of love play. (Malaxophobia)
Satanophobia- Fear of Satan.
Scabiophobia- Fear of scabies.
Scatophobia- Fear of fecal matter.
Scelerophibia- Fear of bad men, burglars.
Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows.
Scoleciphobia- Fear of worms.
Scolionophobia- Fear of school.
Scopophobia or Scoptophobia- Fear of being seen or stared at.
Scotomaphobia- Fear of blindness in visual field.
Scotophobia- Fear of darkness. (Achluophobia)
Scriptophobia- Fear of writing in public.
Selachophobia- Fear of sharks.
Selaphobia- Fear of light flashes.
Selenophobia- Fear of the moon.
Seplophobia- Fear of decaying matter.
Sesquipedalophobia- Fear of long words.
Sexophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Heterophobia)
Siderodromophobia- Fear of trains, railroads or train travel.
Siderophobia- Fear of stars.
Sinistrophobia- Fear of things to the left or left-handed.
Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food or eating. (Cibophobia)
Snakephobia- Fear of snakes. (Ophidiophobia)
Soceraphobia- Fear of parents-in-law.
Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.
Sociophobia- Fear of society or people in general.
Somniphobia- Fear of sleep.
Sophophobia- Fear of learning.
Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others.
Spacephobia- Fear of outer space.
Spectrophobia- Fear of specters or ghosts.
Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs.
Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.
Stasibasiphobia or Stasiphobia- Fear of standing or walking. (Ambulophobia)
Staurophobia- Fear of crosses or the crucifix.
Stenophobia- Fear of narrow things or places.
Stygiophobia or Stigiophobia- Fear of hell.
Suriphobia- Fear of mice.
Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism.
Symmetrophobia- Fear of symmetry.
Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.
Syphilophobia- Fear of syphilis.
T-
Tachophobia- Fear of speed.
Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms.
Taphephobia Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.
Tapinophobia- Fear of being contagious.
Taurophobia- Fear of bulls.
Technophobia- Fear of technology.
Teleophobia- 1) Fear of definite plans. 2) Religious ceremony.
Telephonophobia- Fear of telephones.
Teratophobia- Fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or deformed people.
Testophobia- Fear of taking tests.
Tetanophobia- Fear of lockjaw, tetanus.
Teutophobia- Fear of German or German things.
Textophobia- Fear of certain fabrics.
Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting.
Thalassophobia- Fear of the sea.
Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying.
Theatrophobia- Fear of theatres.
Theologicophobia- Fear of theology.
Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion.
Thermophobia- Fear of heat.
Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.
Tomophobia- Fear of surgical operations.
Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder.
Topophobia- Fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.
Toxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia- Fear of poison or of being accidently poisoned.
Traumatophobia- Fear of injury.
Tremophobia- Fear of trembling.
Trichinophobia- Fear of trichinosis.
Trichopathophobia or Trichophobia- Fear of hair. (Chaetophobia, Hypertrichophobia)
Triskaidekaphobia- Fear of the number 13.
Tropophobia- Fear of moving or making changes.
Trypanophobia- Fear of injections.
Tuberculophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
Tyrannophobia- Fear of tyrants.
U-
Uranophobia or Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.
Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.
V-
Vaccinophobia- Fear of vaccination.
Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Verbophobia- Fear of words.
Verminophobia- Fear of germs.
Vestiphobia- Fear of clothing.
Virginitiphobia- Fear of rape.
Vitricophobia- Fear of step-father.
W-
Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.
Wiccaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft.
X-
Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.
Xenoglossophobia- Fear of foreign languages.
Xenophobia- Fear of strangers or foreigners.
Xerophobia- Fear of dryness.
Xylophobia- 1) Fear of wooden objects. 2) Forests.
Xyrophobia-Fear of razors.
Z-
Zelophobia- Fear of jealousy.
Zeusophobia- Fear of God or gods.
Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.
Zoophobia- Fear of animals.

A Movie - True

2008-07-16T20:06:00.002+10:00

Meeting a mans significant other, enjoying her company, hearing their stories, observing their banter, watching them stealing a kiss at every opportune time...

Leaving after hours of fun.

Leaving after hours of an act.

Leaving at slipping into my car seat and crying.

************

Needing a change and having my hair done, watching the disregarded hair fall to ground stacked. The terror of a change, the excitement of the prospect of a new me.

Surprise at the new person staring back at me in the mirror.

A huge smile.

Walking down the street with a bounce in my step, smiling at myself with new found spirit.

* Movie Sukkar banat AKA Caramel. This movie felt so real to me

July 2007 - Mid Month Update

2008-07-15T19:45:00.002+10:00

Job Status: I actually thought - tonight I'm going to go home and look for a new job. I was just reading a boring, no BORING noise report and I was cold.
Gym workouts: Still haven't gone there, now I'm getting concerned with the money wastage.
Family stuffs: Mum has fallen into depression...
Hunk of the week: Got to be one of the Dolce and Gabana models :-D
Relationship Status: SO far from anything.
Movies watched: Nothing (I think - thats why I plan to do this weekly)
Reading: Nothing
Diet: Not too bad. I found an awesome little place in North Sydney that makes cheap soup.
Alcohol consumption: I've been taking my car everywhere to assist in the deter
Song stuck in my mind: I was made for loving you baby!!!
Quote of the week:

Are you okay Nat?

Yes! I've just been sick for 3 weeks.

Random Observation: I'm not a convincing liar - There's been more than just being sick...
Picture of the Week:

Money Spent: Lots and lots on wine!

Friend Whore!

2008-07-14T22:28:00.003+10:00

I have this friend. A guy that my social circle regard as 'a nice guy', I have over the years mentioned that he isn't quite as nice as they think he is. Let me digress...

I met him approximately 3 years ago when I was with my friend J. as per usual he liked her, he pursued her by sending random pointless emails inquiring about the weekend coming up, then how the weekend was. Boring is the word that best describes this guys antics.

Well, we have become friends as I always say you can never have too many friends and on a selfish level I get to run past some of my dismal affairs by him for the man's prospective.

Misdirection:

- I once told him off for not driving his date home from the city after dinner. Apparently she said she was happy to catch a train close to midnight and he let her! Rule: A man should never let a lady go home alone on public transportation when he can drive, even if, the girl he claims to be interested in lives in the opposite direction or in this specific case over the bridge.

- He invited me over to his place to watch Prison Break new season he had downloaded. We watched a few epsiodes and it was getting late, I mentioned that his street was really hard to park in and that I ended up half way up the street *hint-hint walk me to my car* all he said is 'yeah, it can be difficult here'.

Occasionally I mention to my girlfriends that he may not be as nice as they think he is....

Over the years I've introduced him to several of my girlfriends, he always comments on how attractive they are and he corners them, no accosts them with conversation, he's not to bad with the initial small talk (being rather well traveled and quite bright) before you know it they have found something in common and then exchanging numbers and / or emails. Then the games are on 'How was your weekend?'

I introduced him to one of my girlfriends yesterday and predictably he sent me a message this morning saying 'how could you have hidden a fellow wine drinker from me?' FOR FUCKS SAKE! Does he need to hit on every one of my friends. Seriously.

And, just like a well crafted script he added her as a friend on facebook today.