Life: What's on Your Mind?

After the wicked incident I hadn't heard from him until today, a bit of back and forth about 'last week' and idle chat about the weekend... I had enough needed to say:

I thought it obvious that I was upset about the other night, you are actually the only person that didn’t contact me the next day to see if I was ok… I don’t know if you thought giving me space would be beneficial, to me that’s just being insensitive. So, I guess that brings me to the question. Do you want me to be your friend or your girlfriend? Right now I feel like neither, I’m not being critical it’s just how I feel right now.

Through a few emails about needing to chat, late this afternoon I received an email from him:

OK, I would much rather have spoken to you about this in person, but now that you have brought it up, we may as well discuss via email. I have enjoyed our time together, but I don’t think that things are working out for us. I’ve been feeling there are differences between us and then questioning whether we suit each other as a couple. As well, I haven’t had the enthusiasm for us that I should, or you deserve. I think we’re good as friends, but can’t see us moving on from there. How did you think things were going?

What can I say, I knew it. My friends heard it when I spoke to them... He was a man I wanted to want but something was just not right.

Another failed relationship.

Life: Two Words

'Take Care.' My interpretation of this statement is a polite fuck off, to this end I have not responded to this text that popped into my inbox on Saturday afternoon... To my dismay my interpretation is correct, as of this morning I have not heard from him. My standard with men these days (due to the constant disappointing experiences) is that they have the life of a dairy product when it comes to contact before being metaphorically thrown down the drain.

I mentioned last week I felt *something* wasn't right, I guess it was that he just wasn't that into me, his words 'I only have eyes for you' were just words.

Life: The Weekend

The weekend started with work throwing after work drinks on Friday night, we had lots of wine, then faux champers, more wine and then a small group of us thought to go into the city and have a couple of drinks at Loft Bar, another bottle of wine between 4, then another bottle which I sat out of, food was on the agenda, iThai one of my favourite Thai restaurants in Sydney. The food was great, another bottle of wine shared, the 2 girls decided they have had enough and planned to go home, one of the guys from work and I said 'lets go to Minskys!' we sang and danced until the early hours. Saturday I met a couple of girlfriends in Paddington to attend the Little Paddington Fashion Festival, later I met friends for dinner at the Rocks before going to my favourite place in Sydney, The Basement to see Professor Groove perform and today I went to The Fifties Fair, photos taken and apparently going to be on ABC news. Spent the evening chilling at home and reflecting on my weekend.

The raw story...

Drank way too much at work, said some inappropriate things to work colleague, hoping no one will remember. Went to Minsky's with one of the guys at work and Navy Boy met me there, while Navy Boy had his arms around me I spotted R across the room, he was there with another girl, I told Navy Boy and my work mate what was going on, Navy Boy said he'll leave if I want, he threw his arms around me, kissed me and sang and danced a bit before leaving, my work mate was telling me that we should leave, he could tell the affect of R and the new girl was having on me. So drunk I said that I'm not going to change my night because of him. I was messaging the guy I've been dating saying he should come to Minsky's apparently he was too tired. My work mate kissed me, I pulled away within a second and said 'just because you think I'm an easy target' he knows my secret not through my telling. We danced more and then I had to leave... I cried going down the stairs, the whole situation reminds me of the night in January when R told me 'just friends'. Waiting for a cab his arm around me for comfort, he said I should go back to his place, I did. I slept there. Just slept there with a comforting arm around me. I struggled on Saturday at the Fashion Festival and it was pretty much a non event... I went home for a cat nap - I woke up to a message from D, yes, D, somehow I found out that he was free and invited him to join me. Why!? I met my friends for dinner at the rocks which was lovely, we went to the Basement and Professor Groove was AWESOME I was dancing and drinking cocktails, D messaged me and he came to drive me home. I NEVER expected to wake up next to him ever again. I also didn't expect to receive a message from him today saying how great it was to see me. Today was the fifties fair, the polka dot dress I wanted to wear I couldn't zip up... I was on the lookout while I was there, The American I am 'dating' told me this week that he was going to be there with his friends, no 'well see each other there' no 'maybe we should go together' no 'since I'll be there you and your friend can join us' he also said he was going to Victoria Rooms for cocktails afterward, I've said that's where I had my 30th and how much I love it there... Nothing, not even a text from him to see if I made it there. Since I've been home I've tried to keep myself busy, too busy to eat to. I'm fat and a disgrace.

Life: The One That Has My Attention

We met on the June long weekend at the Blues and Jazz Festival. He's interesting, engaging and cute. He cooks, enjoys food and wine, he listens to jazz, he swing dances, he likes the arts, apparently he likes me... But there's just one thing:

For Fun: A Shuffle Meme

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 10 friends.
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY?' YOU SAY:
Days of Old

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Riding With The King

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Mad Medicine

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I'm Your Baby Tonight

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
You Left the Water Running

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Rock On!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Love Man

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Trumpet Blues and Cantabile

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Radetzky March

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Opus One

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Confirm Reservation

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
How Will I Know

Not tagging as my little blog world has come down to very few... How perfect was Rock On and Whitney's How Will I Know!!!

deja vu date

The whole thing felt like deja vu, he cooked pasta bolognese - that's what Rob cooked for me first time, our second date and that he's going to South America for 5 weeks, that's what Rob did.

Life: A Montage of One Drink Stand

I’ve been content about my relationship status, over 4.5 years of sporadic dating, hook ups and flirtatious banter.

It’s enough now.

I’m over this montage of one-drink stands.

I think I’m ready and open to meet someone.

Life: Texts

I met a boy who will now be regarded as the psycho text messager from Minsky's... Seriously after this experience of textural exploits I truly believe therapy is required.

The night was fantastic. I took my mum to see Chicago the musical

Am i correct to assume the fact u haven't replied to my previous msg means ur not happy with me? Either that or u've fallen asleep :). Just to let u know, i would have pleasured u tonite like there was no tomorrow. I'm not just saying that either. I was so smitten with u that i would have been at ur mercy, satisfying ur deepest desires. Do u need any more convincing?

Hey, i'm assuming u've fallen asleep, and that consequently, tonite is not gonna happen. Its ironic that u didn't want me to think u were dull, yet here u r breaking plans for a fun nite by going to sleep. Thats wats annoyed me, and caused me to be a little abrupt and to the point - the fact that we had plans, but u casually broke them and didn't seem to care thats its screwed up my nite. The overwhelming impression i got was that u weren't fussed about how this fling turned out, a view which has now been adopted by me. I am therefore, with disappointment and regret, calling an end to any potential there was with 'us'. I truely did have a great time last sat nite, but tonite just wasn't good form. I am deleting ur number from my phone and request that u do the same. All the best for the future. Adam

Of course I'm overly bamboozled by the entire situation and an ultimatum such as this can only force me to retract further. Naturally behaviour such as this can not be dismissed - I called him up on it with a line somewhere along the lines of 'what intrigue for a liaison of only hours'.

No response.

I didn't even bother saving his number in my phone, must have known of the imminent psychotic behaviour!

Life: I Love My Friends Part ...

From E.:

If you need me for ANYTHING I am here for you – if you want to scream, vent, hit something, eat ice-cream, chocolate & pizza or go for long walks (great for clearing ones mind) or dance your butt off or drink till you spew or go around graffiti-ing toilet doors with his number or even place an ad in personal “gay” section of the newspaper, key his car (whatever!!!) – I am more than happy to be there for you and join you in whatever venture it takes for you to smile and laugh again!!

Life: Odd Phone Call no. 2

Following the 'what colour dress to wear to M's Wedding' he called me today to inquire if I had a good time - Buddy, you got married yesterday, don't call you former lover to ask this question!

Life: Odd Phone Call

I think it strange that M called and told me a 'secret', what colour dresses the bridesmaids are wearing so I don't wear the same, same being fuchsia...? What did he think I was going to wear my signature 'black', I'm aware black and white are faux pas, wouldn't do that.

Article: On the News today

As per usual when checking my hotmail account I go through ninemsn to view some of the headlines, today the survey caught my eye:





How ridiculous to even consider capping corporate pay 56,048 people (to date) think the PM should do so, well I think 56,048 people out there are either jealous of the high rollers income and lifestyle! Pathetic, it's effort for reward if an executive can make decisions that will earn a company billions in revenue isn't it only fit that they receive suitable remuneration. From this survey I suggest the 12,717 people (I am one of) that clicked 'NO' work work hard, rewarded well, do not want to know there is a ceiling on their earning capacity, see their MD / CEO etc work hard and deserve the money they obviously earn.

As you may note I C&P'ed the section Jobs @ SEEK, maybe that's what they should be doing - looking for a new job.

Article: Only Some Days..

I don't believe in horoscopes at all, but on days like this when I'm feeling low, deflated and lacking direction I hit the Scorpio link on the Sydney Morning Herald website.

The pendulum swings completely in the other direction from yesterday and today you may have to contend with problems, issues and feelings being hidden from view. It is simply best to stick to basics and routine and tough it out but still keep a positive attitude or things will almost certainly seem worse than they really are.

Advice I should really try to take on board.

Life: Random Quote from Mother #10

Mother asked if I'd head from G-man for valentine's day, when I said no she recommended the following:

"You should see the movie 'He's Just Not That Into You' as it appears he's not into you.

Life: Australia Day Long Weekend in a Nut Shell

Friday night was supposed to be a couple of drinks here, ended up going out for dinner at the Japanese place downstairs, drinking copious amounts of sake. How hot was Saturday! Was at my old local the sheaf for lunch followed by symphony which was an interesting collection of 'infused rave and hip hop music to complement the orchestra' ahem, they should keep to what they know. Sunday I went to C and B's place for Chinese new years - gourmet review: chicken hearts are rather enjoyable, gizzards are to be missed, the BBQ duck was a hit, Mongolian wine made from horses milk is potent, watching a guy squirm each time his girlfriend was mentioned, priceless. The new year kicked in at 3am - damn time zones! Australia Day I wandered through the rocks and spent the afternoon at Cargo bar drinking and singing along to Aussie rock tunes, I'm still limping, bruised and battered from doing the locomotion, drunk, in a Congo line holding onto some random guys Australian flag that was tied like a cape then dinner in Newtown (there's a whole other story there). No wonder I was in bed by 9.30 last night.

Review: As an Opera?

I don't have words...

From its phenomenal success in London and New York, Jerry Springer: The Opera is finally coming to Australia. The smash-hit, multi-award-winning concert production will premiere in the Sydney Opera House Concert Hall in April next year.

Based on the self-flagellatory version of Jerry’s own lurid talk show, Jerry Springer: The Opera is a fascinating mix of the highest form of art and the lowest form of pop culture – opera and daytime television.

In turns hilarious and heart-breaking, this raunchy, high-energy, all-singing, all-dancing production follows Jerry Springer to the afterlife and beyond. Reviled by Christian fundamentalists for allegedly containing 8,000 expletives (there are only 149) and hailed by Christian Voice as blasphemous, Jerry Springer presents characters desperate to have their own ‘Jerry Springer’ moment.

Along with an eight piece band, 21 performers play a succession of lowlife characters and audience members who reveal their secrets, cuss each other and fight as their embarrassments come to life on TV.

Jerry Springer as an opera - could worlds collide any harder?

What Do You Think Giraffe Would Taste Like?

I'm somewhat surprised by the amount of time Giraffe's are mentioned in general conversation with my friends...

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I didn't have any plans for the last weekend, however, I ended up having drinks at my old haunt in Double Bay and bumping into several former school mates - the wonders of a 'local'

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On Saturday at drinks my old BBF was there, she's in Sydney for 2 weeks to spend Christmas with family. We had a good long talk (not about the issues just a good ol' catch up). It's one of the best feelings in the world to have the opportunity to rekindle a friendship that meant so much to me. She's jet setting back to London for at least another year... Like no time has past at all...

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Late November I rekindled another friendship, this dissolution of relationship was a consequence of my relationship with Dom. K. had moved to Paris as soon as she finished Uni, we worked out that we hadn't seen each other in approx 8 years. As soon as we saw each other we squealed and stood talking in the middle of Wynard before realising we should actually go somewhere for our catch up.

We went to Wild Fire for dinner, I haven't been there for about 3 years coincidentally enough, it was Dom's favourite restaurant. We shared the zucchini flowers, both had delicious main courses before sharing the souffle - K had never had a souffle before - this astonishes me, she's French, lived in France and never had a souffle. Sacrilege!

K. has moved back to Sydney and she's engaged. I'm overwhelmingly happy for her and I'm looking forward to met her fiance in the coming week.

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I love this time of year in Sydney, the Sydney festival is on and I'm planning on going to Jazz and symphony in the Domian - hope it doesn't rain this year!

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I received an email from RR 50 hours ago (who's counting) and I haven't replied yet (so I drafted a response late today but haven't sent it, however, he sent me a stupid group joke email and still resisted) .

I will not let myself get all caught up in it again... He's not interested in me and I have to keep reminding myself of this so expectation and the guaranteed disappointment afterwards wont be (yet another) redux.

* I was told I need to come up with nickname for him, I don't create nicknames for men I really like...

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I was reading through some of my old posts and stumbled across this:

- I was almost ready to call it a night, many glasses of faux champers, I think 7 and the best, all bought for me! My phone buzzed, RR, within no time at all he was there, it was late, I was tipsy. I remember kissing him, I remember people leaving, I remember dancing and kissing. I remember smiling, I remember saying good night, I remember him finding a cab for me, I remember that smile from inside taxi window. I remember going to bed wishing he was next to me...

- After RR came to see me at the party on Saturday night (he has been nick named by Adelberto but I don't like the name he's allocated). We didn't have any plans to see each other until Friday. I was looking forward to it for 3 days. So impressed the novelty hasn't been lost.

- I made a mess of RR's kitchen last night. Yep, that's right. I cooked for him. He bought the wine... The wine we had on our first date, he gave a lingered look to see if I noted. He is impressing me.

- Take 2 we didn't make it to the movies after dinner. We ended up singing along with The Piano man and debating who is the better artist Elvis or Elton. After lots of wine we decided to conduct a poll at the lounge bar. Poll: Elvis or Elton???

- I got home today at midday and can't seem to wipe this grin from my face.

This boy made me so happy then.

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Impromptu BBQ's are awesome! Especially when it's all my friends that I feel so comfortable with.

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I want to see a movie, I was rather disappointed with the last movie I saw Frost / Nixon. Maybe this weekend I'll make the effort.

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This weekend I'm going to be seeing approx 7 hours of Shakespeare!!!

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My roomies have gone away for the week and I'm loving having the place to myself, well once I cleaned it to enjoy for myself on Monday when I got home from work - I think they believe if they are on holiday's it immediately implies they are on holidays from all domestic duties.

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Ever have the feeling that some friends go out of the way for other friends than you? Well I do and I longer think it's just a feeling, but fact.

At the BBQ on Sunday we were talking about television programs (our conversations weren't limited to the potential tasty goodness of giraffe!), I mentioned how much I love Entourage and my friend Il's boyfriend mentioned that he gave Deb all of season 5 which he downloaded. I'm surprised I didn't know of this especially since Il's knows how much I love this show (and my crush on Jeremy Piven - ohh salivating at those pictures.... Anyway, I'm the one that lent Deb seasons 1 through 3 on dvd and she never mentioned to me that she had the new ones, never offers to lend it to me or invite me over to watch.

My stuff ain't going out to her anymore!


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Speaking of Il's - now that she has a boyfriend she's disappeared into abyss... Doesn't even return messages anymore. There's more to this story.

- always does things for other friends, never me for example she's a dressmaker (wedding dresses and costumes to be precise) I think I'm the only person out of our circle of friends that she hasn't made something for...
- when I have a dinner or catch up at my place she's always broke so everyone pitches in so she doesn't have to worry about it. Almost 30 girl, learn to budget.
- she invited someone over to her house and i specifically requested this person not be there as out friendship was on the rocks, even said if she wants them there more than me I just wont go. She said ok reluctantly with some excuse that he has a quality that is superior to mine. When I was there, guess what, so was he. Fuck that!

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I'm listening to 9pm (till I come) by ATB at the moment... Oh my does this song remind me of my Oxford Street nightclubbing days with glow sticks!


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I've agreed to put my profile up on a dating site, only because one of my friends has offered to write the profile for me - likes and dislikes, no 'nice guy' and other cliched wants and likes - Nick where are you? This job would be right up your alley too :-) Miss you... read back through old posts and I really valued your insight.

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I'm going to try and write at least twice a week this year, I'm enjoying it again but I think it's because I have the house to myself and able to write freely without the roomies walking back and forth continuously and I'd feel uncomfortable if they knew my blog existed...

Life: Quote of 2008

Unfortunately I think my quote for 2008 will be the first lyrics I heard of 2008

I will survive

I did survive, it was a struggle at some points, this year will be so much better.

* I don't think I can do better than V's quote from last year 'Remember, you said no one night stands. So, do it twice.'

Life: NYE 2008

* South Coast get away (Sussex Inlet) with 5 great people
* Bubbly before heading out
* Dinner at the local RSL with live rock band in the auditorium
* Schnitzel and denied cigarette
* The interesting conversation of 'would you prefer to be a cripple beggar or a prostitute in a 3rd world country?'
* Foam and bubble party at the local pub
* Horrified by the prospect of dancing in bubbles
* Scoping the crowd and coming to the conclusion we stand out as city folk
* Being one of the very few dancing
* Drinking champagne from plastic schooner cups
* Great meaningful chat with my friend V
* Seconds approaching to mid night and having to scull champagne at the door before being allowed access
* Drinking champagne straight from the bottle
* 'It's My Life' by Bon Jovi being the first song of the new year!!!
* New mantra for the year is the first song

It's my life And it's now or never I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive (It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just want to live while I'm alive 'Cause it's my life

* My first New Year kisses being a couple of beautiful brunettes, one for the 3rd year
* Dancing near the bubbles
* Meeting a great fun couple and making a friendship in only a few hours
* Loosing all inhibitions and dancing with a hot boy who drags me into the bubbles
* Being surrounded by many young RAAF boys with their shirts off, wet and shiny from all the bubbles
* Getting soaked head to toe by foam and bubbles
* Kissing the hot boy and not noticing I'm wet anymore
* Dancing on the stage
* Leaving the pub and walking home which is a reasonable distance
* 2 of our party get lost on the way home
* RAAF boy my friend was making out with serendipitously walks past our place and they make out
* I play Uno for the first time ever and win
* The best shower I've ever had, de-bubbling
* Hot boy I was making out with sends a message and calls me
* Drinking more bubbly in the kitchen playing Uno
* Almost falling asleep and going to bed
* Receiving text messages from RR and not getting too emotional about it
* Sleeping in a bed where occasionally the broken spring hits a good place in my back
* Getting up at a reasonable time not feeling too seedy to enjoy the first day on 2009
* Meeting hot boy for breakfast / lunch
* Spending the afternoon at the beach and feeling the beautiful salt water and sun on my skin
* Getting burnt in a couple of awkward places, not rubbing the 30+ in properly
* Drinking beer at the pub - yes, I drank beer
* Going back to the house and returning to the pub
* The long drive home where I was dreaming of crawling into bed
* Listening to Otis on the ride home
* Crawling into bed and receiving a phone call checking that we arrived safe

Hmmm not as brief as I thought, there's the highlights! I had an awesome night, a night I would never have had if in Sydney!

Happy New year!!!

Bon Voyage

Two of my friends have left Australian shores to pursue their career in UAE... I remember the first time I saw her, she walked through the office with such purpose and wearing such a beautiful outfit I thought no one that pretty could possibly be nice, when I first saw him sit at the desk next to mine I wondered if they were together, too very attractive people in such close proximity that appear to get along must.

Over the last year D & AC have become very near and dear to me, we have had many dinner parties, cocktails and champagne that should lead us into AA and I've met some wonderful people through them.

My office feels empty without them and there is a huge void. Bon Voyage and I hope to see you soon in Dubai.