1. Never eat in a restaurant that revolves or floats
2. A restaurant with a pepper grinder on every table is likely to be good -- as opposed to a restaurant where the waiter thrusts a metre-long pepper grinder in your ear
3. The number of spelling errors on a menu is inversely proportional to the quality of the cooking
4. A restaurant that offers a "two-for-one deal" on a piece of paper handed to you in the street or a booklet sold through your school or workplace is unlikely to be state of the art
5. A restaurant that lists four pasta shapes in one column and four sauces in another column, and invites you to "mix 'n' match", is unlikely to be run by an Italian
6. A restaurant that offers all dishes in "mild", "medium" and "hot" is unlikely to be run by an Indian
7. Given the choice between a Mexican restaurant and a Thai restaurant, and in the absence of any other information, go Thai
8. The use of the word "northern" in front of a cuisine's nationality may mean only that the food has less flavour; the use of the word "modern" before the nationality may mean only that the servings are smaller
9. A menu that uses more than 20 words to describe each dish signifies a kitchen lacking in confidence
10. Restaurants that advertise themselves as "wine, dine and dance" are likely to disappoint on all counts
11. A restaurant where the waiters introduce themselves ("Hi, my name is Jason and I'll be your server tonight") is unlikely to offer value for money. Ditto a restaurant where the waiter compliments you on your choice of dish
12. A restaurant in which one wall is covered with signed black and white photographs of celebrities is unlikely to be state of the art, even if the celebrities include Bert Newton
13. Restaurants advertising karaoke are unlikely to be gastronomic temples, but this will become less important as you become less sober
14. Never eat in a restaurant that is recommended in any free publication you find in your hotel room -- even if the ad for the restaurant appears on a different page from the recommendation
15. Restaurants that display their menus outside are likely to be more interesting than those that don't (and also make the application of these theories much easier)
2. A restaurant with a pepper grinder on every table is likely to be good -- as opposed to a restaurant where the waiter thrusts a metre-long pepper grinder in your ear
3. The number of spelling errors on a menu is inversely proportional to the quality of the cooking
4. A restaurant that offers a "two-for-one deal" on a piece of paper handed to you in the street or a booklet sold through your school or workplace is unlikely to be state of the art
5. A restaurant that lists four pasta shapes in one column and four sauces in another column, and invites you to "mix 'n' match", is unlikely to be run by an Italian
6. A restaurant that offers all dishes in "mild", "medium" and "hot" is unlikely to be run by an Indian
7. Given the choice between a Mexican restaurant and a Thai restaurant, and in the absence of any other information, go Thai
8. The use of the word "northern" in front of a cuisine's nationality may mean only that the food has less flavour; the use of the word "modern" before the nationality may mean only that the servings are smaller
9. A menu that uses more than 20 words to describe each dish signifies a kitchen lacking in confidence
10. Restaurants that advertise themselves as "wine, dine and dance" are likely to disappoint on all counts
11. A restaurant where the waiters introduce themselves ("Hi, my name is Jason and I'll be your server tonight") is unlikely to offer value for money. Ditto a restaurant where the waiter compliments you on your choice of dish
12. A restaurant in which one wall is covered with signed black and white photographs of celebrities is unlikely to be state of the art, even if the celebrities include Bert Newton
13. Restaurants advertising karaoke are unlikely to be gastronomic temples, but this will become less important as you become less sober
14. Never eat in a restaurant that is recommended in any free publication you find in your hotel room -- even if the ad for the restaurant appears on a different page from the recommendation
15. Restaurants that display their menus outside are likely to be more interesting than those that don't (and also make the application of these theories much easier)
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