I called my Oncologist Tuesday to confirm my appointment. I'm first for the day at 8:00am. I wasn't given any more details. The receptionist was less than helpful, verging on being rude.
To say I'm scared is an understatement, I'm terrified - no I'm fucking terrified.
I know rationally it's a small procedure - a cut, remove, and stitch up and go.
As far as I'm concerned it may as well be open heart surgery, the anxiety has set in more than I could have ever thought.
My nights are sleepless, my thoughts are many, my attention is at maximum 5 minutes, I feel all tight all over, I've cried twice at work already today over nothing and it's still a week away.
I have so many questions, they are all unanswered. What time do I arrive? Do I need to fast? If so, how many hours in advance? How do I get in contact with the anaesthetist? Is the anaesthetist aware of my fear? Can I have the gas? Do I need to have the needle? I can't see that needle! Can I go out and get blind drunk the night before? How long am I going to be "asleep"? Why isn't anyone giving me more details! How much is it going to cost? What augmentation will I have? Will I just fall back onto shape? How long until I get the results? How long until I can lift something heavier than 2 kg without experiencing pain across my left chest? What if it is the big "C"? What happens next? What if... What if... What if...
I was told to call again on Monday to find out more details. Monday. How am I going to keep my wits about me until then? I’m paying for one of the most expensive surgical oncologists in Sydney to look after me, I’m in safe hands I keep telling myself, the doctor has probably done this more than a 1,000,0000 times. This is his job. But still I’m scared.
Anyone I tell of the procedure ahead of me, they all know "someone" who has had it done. I want to make it clear - I don't care! This is me! This is my first operation. I don't know what to expect, its all outside my comfort zone, my phobia of needles may be irrational, I know it’s irrational, but that’s me, that's who I am. I have been told to see a hypnotist, that wont work, I can't even meditate - it's all bullshit.
I want this damn thing out of me.
I want this episode behind me and just a bad memory. I want to be the person I was before it was discovered.
To say I'm scared is an understatement, I'm terrified - no I'm fucking terrified.
I know rationally it's a small procedure - a cut, remove, and stitch up and go.
As far as I'm concerned it may as well be open heart surgery, the anxiety has set in more than I could have ever thought.
My nights are sleepless, my thoughts are many, my attention is at maximum 5 minutes, I feel all tight all over, I've cried twice at work already today over nothing and it's still a week away.
I have so many questions, they are all unanswered. What time do I arrive? Do I need to fast? If so, how many hours in advance? How do I get in contact with the anaesthetist? Is the anaesthetist aware of my fear? Can I have the gas? Do I need to have the needle? I can't see that needle! Can I go out and get blind drunk the night before? How long am I going to be "asleep"? Why isn't anyone giving me more details! How much is it going to cost? What augmentation will I have? Will I just fall back onto shape? How long until I get the results? How long until I can lift something heavier than 2 kg without experiencing pain across my left chest? What if it is the big "C"? What happens next? What if... What if... What if...
I was told to call again on Monday to find out more details. Monday. How am I going to keep my wits about me until then? I’m paying for one of the most expensive surgical oncologists in Sydney to look after me, I’m in safe hands I keep telling myself, the doctor has probably done this more than a 1,000,0000 times. This is his job. But still I’m scared.
Anyone I tell of the procedure ahead of me, they all know "someone" who has had it done. I want to make it clear - I don't care! This is me! This is my first operation. I don't know what to expect, its all outside my comfort zone, my phobia of needles may be irrational, I know it’s irrational, but that’s me, that's who I am. I have been told to see a hypnotist, that wont work, I can't even meditate - it's all bullshit.
I want this damn thing out of me.
I want this episode behind me and just a bad memory. I want to be the person I was before it was discovered.
6 comments:
I had my Back operated on(injury from the defence force) a few years ago and today learned that I will have to have another - soon. I've been off work almost criplled with pain for the last week. Two years ago they took my Thyroid out - they literally cut your throat ~shiver~. When i was a kid I had my Tonsils out and my Spleen removed...I wish they gave frequent Flyer miles... Stay safe...You'll be O.K
I understand your trepidation as i felt the same prior to my first surgery. Be assured that there is little to fear. Once the anaesthetic goes in the next thing you'll remember you'll be weaking up, fully drugged and feeling little if no pain.
Good luck :). You'll be fine.
Thanks guys *hugs*
It's a big thing... and I must admit I would be freaking having not been under the knife since I had my wisdom teeth out at age 14. I have anxiety about a handful of completely irrational things ( although needles aren't one of them ), so I hear ya there. :)
Definitely see if you can meet the anaesthetist, and give them as much info as you can beforehand. Also try and get someone to be with you ( good freind, sibling etc. ) before they give you pre-med, and see if you can get prescribed some mild sedation to take before you get there. This will make you much more relaxed about the whole deal!
What you probably didn't want to hear is that you won't be getting hammered on shooters or eating anything in the 24 hours before. I'd plan that for the previuos night. ;)
Good luck with it. Trade scars afterwards? You'll be fine, stop stressing. *hugs*
My mum is coming with me to hold my hand...
I trust she will be better than last time with the biopsy that I couldn't go through with :-(
Bring on the sedation!
Thanks guys *hugs*
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