I have had a… you could say crush on a friend for several years, or maybe it’s just a fondness with an infatuation, he always has girls around him, some of the stories wowza! Possibly the infactuation is with his body *dreams* or trying to see what it is the other girls see...
We have flirted with each other on many occasions over the years, in and out of respective relationships, the most physical we have been is a drunken kiss when I broke up with BF no.2
We have been speaking more regularly lately, when he found out that I’m house sitting he starting hinting an invite ‘sleep over’ to be precise. I haven’t had much action lately (the operation in March is responsible, I didn’t want anyone prodding at me) I was easily lead down the ‘talk dirty to me’ path over giving the invitation to come on over…
Now, this guy has a girlfriend, predominant reason for no invitation, second reason, he has a couple girls on the side (yes, I know - character issues), I’ll never put myself in the position of ‘just being a number’ and, we’re mates, I’m the only girl he is friends with that he hasn’t slept with. Something I kinda like being… But, that body… ohhh that body…
So, I figure the phone is best of both worlds, but questions couldn’t escape me:
- Is he really cheating with me? It's only the phone.
- Can I believe if there is nothing physical it’s not cheating?
- Is just the thought of a man being with another woman no matter what the context considered cheating?
- Am I supposed to feel some sort of guilt?
- Why aren’t I feeling guilt, does that make me a bad person?
- Do I really care? No. Repeat above question.
I know many of you will judge me and I am fully aware the flirting issue on blogs were addressed which brought up many further questions about flirting has been addressed in the past, with compliments ChickyBabe. But this is my life and my blog – so there!
18 comments:
I'm not judging you Natalie - but I'll offer my opinion if that's o.k.
I think the best definition I ever heard for cheating is this:
Is it something you would be happy to tell your partner you're doing?
If not, then I'd hazard a guess that it's crossing the line. I know you don't have a partner right now, but if you were him, what would you think?
Even if you ignore that, think about it this way - do girls have to worry enough about trusting the men in their life without having to worry about trusting women? I'm certainly not guilt free when it comes to flirting or even scheming - but in the past few years I've tried to place a higher priority on supporting 'the sisterhood'.
It sounds like he's a bit of a lowdown rat to his girlfriend if you ask me. Not having phone sex with him probably won't change that - but just because something is going to happen anyway doesn't mean we have to be party to it.
Please believe that I'm not judging you. That's just my thoughts on cheating and stuff.
x
We're not here to judge you Natalie, well at least I'm not. You can judge yourself based on your beliefs.
When the topic of cheating is raised, I ask if the role was reversed, would you consider it cheating? In a nutshell, would you like your partner to have phone sex with someone?
Now there's a cheater (him), and the other person (you). Are you cheating on a partner? No. Is he? Yes. That's quite a difference.
To answer your questions, I'm going to be honest:
1. Is he cheating by having phone sex? Yes, because he has a GF.
2. But who's cheating here? You or him?
3. Too vague a question to answer that one.
4. Not necessarily. You're not emotionally involved. He is. he should feel some guilt.
5. Nope. Because you're not technically cheating. He is.
6. You can answer that one. If you don't, then you don't.
The point I am making, if person A is in a relationship and engaging in phone sex with person B, I consider it cheating because I wouldn't want my partner to do the same. Do I think person B is cheating? Not unless they has a partner.
It's your choice. But it sounds like this guy is a natural born cheater. My only concern is that you don't get emotionally involved with him.
yeah, if it was my bf I would *definitely* consider that cheating! I don't think *thinking* about being with someone else is cheating but anything further really is - including phone and internet sex. It depends on who you ask though and what actually works in the individual relationshp.
I guess the key for him comes down to this: I figure all bfs would *know* whether their gf would be upset over their actions..if they know their gf would be upset and they do it anyway then absolutely they are in wrong!
You're not feeling guilt probably because you have nothing to lose ;) No, it doesn't make you a bad person!
I always use the "Would I be ok if my boyfriend was doing it" as my litmus test for these things.
If you would be ok with him having these type of conversations with other girls then no it wouldn't be cheating.
If you did mind, then you've got yourself a grey area....
I know all you ladies will be very upset with me but I am going to abbandon good sense and respond to this one.
1) Cheating is defined by how those engaging in the questioned activity perceive their relationship. ie: if there is no expectation from his current partner of fidelity (not hope, expectation) then it is not cheating.
2) Cheating is a state of mind and cannot be defined by actions. You cannot cheat since you are not in the relationship, you can have an experience which then has consequences (good-bad).
3) Again depends on the expectation but in the normal psychi of both men and women the result is: if they are basically interested in sex under this one they all cheat... The only way to avoid this is not to be interested in sex in the first place.
4) No, you cannot cheat, you are not in a relationship, if your friend gets upset because you have sex with her bf, she is either really arrogant or really slow, because from your definition bf is a player.
Yes Natalie, no matter how you justify it, if you engage in Phone-Sex with a guy who is part of a couple, you are cheating.
Even if you are not with anyone, you are cheating on the idea of a couple, the idea of relationships...and doesn't doing it run contrary to exactly the type of relationship you desire?
It's only cheating if the phone has an orgasm.
Wombat
Audrey – opinion is what I seek on my blog ;-)
I would like my partner to be doing it… Oh, he is a rat to his girlfriend, his girlfriend ‘thinks’ he is cheating on her, she has thought it’s me for the last 2 years, I prefer her to think that than know the truth about the 5 others he usually has going at the same time.
Thanks cBabe for confirming no judgment. I would never become emotionally involved with someone like him and I will limit myself to the sleazy one off phone call, maybe some drunken flirty texts ;-)
M – There really is cheating curve. You are so right, I don’t have anything to lose.
Lucy, I think I live in a grey area, everything is circumstantial when it comes to relationships.
David – Thanks for your direct response. State of mind? Expectation v’s hope… BF sure is a player.
Indy – Ahhh… I can trust you to question my actions. You already know the answer.
Wombat – Love it! What is your cheating curve???
but if you use the phone, you don't get access to his body? That seems like less fun for you...
telll me about it - but its nice to fantasise :-)
aren't there other guys with great bodies that you CAN have?
I haven't found any! Where are they all? I'm going through a MAJOR babe draught... You need to introduce me to some (I should say one, but nah, some would be more fun!) cibby?
I have to agree with Audrey on this one!!!!!
Natalie - I did not expand on state of mind, sorry.
For me, love is complete exchange of ideas, interests, and desires. Sex is a minimal part of a relationship (important but still only a part). Therefore, sharing any intimate secret, dream or any other type of activity with someone other than my partner, whether they be male or female, is cheating.
A couple is not two people, instead it is one heart and soul in two bodies.
I would get very upset if Raffaella had sex with someone else but no more upset than if she shared an intimate secret with a girlfriend instead of with me. If we cannot share everything, we are no longer a couple and I am not interested in a casual relationship.
So the state of mind is: complete condivision of all things with one soul.
My cheating curve?
36 - 25 - 36
Wombat
Well since I am surely ruined on this blog may I say, "Wombat is my kinda guy!"
Which part Scorpy? Not judging me or think the best definition I ever heard for cheating is this:Is it something you would be happy to tell your partner you're doing
David - I want a love like yours... it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and balanced in your ideals, together.
Wombat.. Love it!
David,"Wombat is my kinda guy!" it that then cheating? YEW! sorry *blush*
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