It is his Birthday today.
He has been on my mind too often.
I did it to myself and I’m fully aware. I sent him a link to a little quiz I made up a couple weeks ago “How well do you know N?”
No. Thinking about him started before that, my friend S, totally left field asked me a couple weeks ago if I missed him. It’s absurd, we broke up over 3.5 years ago and I had another boyfriend after that for almost 2 years, why would S. ask about him specifically?
I told my mother about it, she asked if I there was a possibility would I get back with him. Only if…
I sent the email to him; we haven’t spoken to each other since March last year. Why did I send it? I wanted to be on his mind. Why did I want him to be thinking about me? Because my heart is still….
This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the only man that has ever been able to get under my skin, the man that can make me speechless with one look, melt by his smile, the only man I have ever considered having ‘his children’ (granted, the thought only lasted 30 seconds, very good for me). I was with him just shy of 4 years.
I know him so well; I know that he would’ve been thinking about me for the next week, consequently, my thoughts have been focused on him.
Last time we saw each other was at Star City Casino, he said ‘hi’ then our energy became one and were kissing in the foyer of the Casino, (think Buffy & Spike) the passion between us has always left me light headed, yearning for more, time past, a lot of time past… I felt the chemistry running through my veins; passion was probably our best point.
We talked in a relaxed manner, what we seldom did in the past, the fall down in what was ‘our relationship’.
He told me that night he had a girlfriend; they had been seeing each other for a few months. I teased him ‘A 26 year old real estate agent? Trying to replace me, hey?’ He said I could never be replaced, I’m his dream. He called me his little 930 - one of the Porsches he owed, the one he was driving the night we met, his favourite, yellow, temperamental like most rebuilt late 1970’s Porsches, when ever he left the car on the street it would have hand and nose prints on the windows – he said it was like men with me, when out alone.*
I was drunkity drunk drunk that night. Our conversation still plays over in my head, the ‘what could have been?’ ‘Why?’ My tears. His tears. He gave me a ride home in his Bentley Turbo R, the car he said he would always buy ‘for us’ for when we start ‘our family’.
Being his Birthday looming in the foreseeable future, I knew that’s why I’ve been thinking about him.
Now, do I send an e-card for his birthday, knowing I’m the stronger one emotionally (easily misconstrued malicious?) or continue to sit back and ponder ‘what could have been?’
*Major issue in relationship
He has been on my mind too often.
I did it to myself and I’m fully aware. I sent him a link to a little quiz I made up a couple weeks ago “How well do you know N?”
No. Thinking about him started before that, my friend S, totally left field asked me a couple weeks ago if I missed him. It’s absurd, we broke up over 3.5 years ago and I had another boyfriend after that for almost 2 years, why would S. ask about him specifically?
I told my mother about it, she asked if I there was a possibility would I get back with him. Only if…
I sent the email to him; we haven’t spoken to each other since March last year. Why did I send it? I wanted to be on his mind. Why did I want him to be thinking about me? Because my heart is still….
This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the only man that has ever been able to get under my skin, the man that can make me speechless with one look, melt by his smile, the only man I have ever considered having ‘his children’ (granted, the thought only lasted 30 seconds, very good for me). I was with him just shy of 4 years.
I know him so well; I know that he would’ve been thinking about me for the next week, consequently, my thoughts have been focused on him.
Last time we saw each other was at Star City Casino, he said ‘hi’ then our energy became one and were kissing in the foyer of the Casino, (think Buffy & Spike) the passion between us has always left me light headed, yearning for more, time past, a lot of time past… I felt the chemistry running through my veins; passion was probably our best point.
We talked in a relaxed manner, what we seldom did in the past, the fall down in what was ‘our relationship’.
He told me that night he had a girlfriend; they had been seeing each other for a few months. I teased him ‘A 26 year old real estate agent? Trying to replace me, hey?’ He said I could never be replaced, I’m his dream. He called me his little 930 - one of the Porsches he owed, the one he was driving the night we met, his favourite, yellow, temperamental like most rebuilt late 1970’s Porsches, when ever he left the car on the street it would have hand and nose prints on the windows – he said it was like men with me, when out alone.*
I was drunkity drunk drunk that night. Our conversation still plays over in my head, the ‘what could have been?’ ‘Why?’ My tears. His tears. He gave me a ride home in his Bentley Turbo R, the car he said he would always buy ‘for us’ for when we start ‘our family’.
Being his Birthday looming in the foreseeable future, I knew that’s why I’ve been thinking about him.
Now, do I send an e-card for his birthday, knowing I’m the stronger one emotionally (easily misconstrued malicious?) or continue to sit back and ponder ‘what could have been?’
*Major issue in relationship
UPDATE: I sent him this e-card with a little 'Happy Birthday, Love N'
17 comments:
so many complications!
you should get that memory-erasing thing done, like in Eternal Sunshine...
Never seen the movie. I should leave the past in the past then?
We have all had that person in our lives...unfortunately for me, the giving of the car also invloved a couple of houses and it was at the end of the relationship not at the beginning. I'm keeping my new Toyota Hilux SR5 4x4 twin cab and NO it is not Black (its Blue)
Eternal sunshine is the BEST movie everrr! It has a lot to teach us about the way we view memories.
I say send a card. Make it light, friendly and thoughtful. Seems harmless enough to me.
never saw the movie? Too bad, it was engrossing... seems like your kind of film, from what I've seen.
Yes, past in the past.
From my experience, after you've broken up, the shitty emotions and memories dissipate fast, leaving just the memories of romance and sweet things said under the cover of moonlight.
But reality is gritty, and getting back together gets all that grit right in your eye!
Scorpy, yep, keep this car! Don’t let any new girlies take it off you! You make a good point, its so true, there is always one person in each of our lives that influence us is ways words can not explain. I mention his name to a few of my friends and they snarl, they hate him, or i should say hated seeing me the way i was when i was with him (if they saw me at all)
Steph - e-card from ICQ maybe, some joke thing? I've done what i want and not worry about his reply...? (next week i'll stop)
Cibby, I'll make a point of hiring the movie.
I remember the shitty points, I can sometimes feel my stomach turn to knots of anger... right now in fact - it changes me, now i think of sending an e-card and screwing him over in a selfish ex-girlfriend way *evil malicious smirk*
Send the card, make it sound lovely and genuine but not too mushy. Everyone loves to be remembered on their birthday, trust me on that one!
If anything, it will make you feel better. And then I want to read about it ;).
cBabe - Thanks, after your recent B'day experiance its really something to take on board :-)
That donkey is cracking me up!! He knows a thing or two... :P
i think everyone has that one that their mind always drifts towards and a birthday can leave one thinking about them for weeks afterwards..
"the one" that they know so well.. inside and out.. know what will spark a thought pattern.. is it a comfort thing? i dunno.. im too inexperienced to tell yet.. i'll get back to you with my thoughts in a few years! ;)
hope all goes well!!
i.
Thanks cBabe! I thought it appropriate ;-) Especially as he used to call his friend can't spell it in Greek - donkey (giharsh) everything i do is for a reason :-)
i - knowing someone inside and out is one of the best feelings possible when your together. When that person has left or you've left them even years can pass and you still know how to push their buttons, it's difficult to manage the affects because you’d assume the other person is aware of their actions...
I'm sorry Nat, I think I've missed a back-story somewhere. If you're both still hot for each other... why not? Or is one party not keen to make it happen?
I understand how you feel, though. And it sucks. It really sucks. :-(
From my experience, after you've broken up, the shitty emotions and memories dissipate fast, leaving just the memories of romance and sweet things said under the cover of moonlight.
How long does it take, Cibby? :-\
Cool post Nat. I'm all for the stronger option. If it gets misconstrued, all the funnier when you tell your friends. :-P
R.T - I think I've only mentioned him once on my blog, when I saw him last year...
http://mirroronthe.blogspot.com/2005/08/seeing-one.html
Scary stuff that is...
The details of our relationship aren't pretty and sometimes I can still feel the pain. No matter how much i think of him, dream of him, i know we could never work as a couple.
Jeut, I've only told one of my friends, i'm scared to tell the rest (take it how it sounds).
jeut,
It takes a week to miss the sex, a month to miss the company, and a year to painfully miss the good times.
Those are exact figures.
Cibby, how long is the relationship you’re basing those statistic on...?
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